1INT. DR. MIMSLYN’S DENTAL OFFICE - MORNING
View is from behind the dental chair as Dr. Mimslyn explains to Marcellus the reality of his situation.
DR. MIMSLYN
Marcellus, we’ve had this conversation numerous times. Your insurance won’t cover it.
MARCELLUS
I can make payments.
DR. MIMSLYN
It would take you two lifetimes to pay it back on your salary. And it’s not just me, it’s a team of doctors.
MARCELLUS
There has to be a solution...
My teeth are all I have!
They are my only redeeming quality.
DR. MIMSLYN
I understand... and I’m sorry.
You have a serious gum disease, and it’s not going to get better.
As Marcellus sits in the dental chair with his hand over his face, Dr. Mimslyn hands him a business card.
MARCELLUS
What is this?
DR. MIMSLYN
It’s the one thing your insurance will cover.
MARCELLUS
A shrink!
DR. MIMSLYN
She’s not a shrink. She’s a therapist who specializes in exactly what you’re going through.
And believe me, as your condition worsens, you’re gonna need professional help.
Scene ends with Marcellus staring at the business card, and unintentionally looking at Dr. Mimslyn’s attractive assistant at the same time.
2INT. MENTAL HEALTH OFFICE, NORTHERN VIRGINIA - MORNING
Scene opens with a shot of a tall, studious looking woman standing at the threshold between her private office and the waiting room. The angle is such that we don’t get a good look at her face, but she’s definitely the therapist.
ZAYNA
Marcellus, you can come on in now.
Marcellus looks as if he didn’t exactly hear her, flipping through the pages of a Popular Science magazine, and hovering over an article about data centers.
ZAYNA
(a little louder)
Marcellus... I’m ready for you!
When Marcellus stands up, something about the cover of a Sports Illustrated magazine suddenly catches his eye and he fixates on it for a second or two. He picks it up and reads the headline.
MARCELLUS
(talking to himself)
Softball player-of-the-year...
We see an attractive woman on the cover in her tight softball attire with a white form-fitting belt around her little waist, and holding a bat in the upright position. He places the magazine back down on the table, and then takes notice of an offshore fishing magazine, which he also picks up and stares at for a minute.
ZAYNA
I said... you can come in now!
The man places the magazine back down and proceeds into Zayna’s private office.
ZAYNA
You can have a seat wherever you like.
The man chooses the therapeutic chair.
ZAYNA
You can lie back if you want to.
As Marcellus sits down, he catches a glimpse of Zayna from behind. She’s easily 6-feet tall with heels, maybe 135 pounds, long legs, dark hair up in a bun, hot-for-the-teacher kind of thing, to include the reading glasses with that little chain wrapping around the back of her neck.
ZAYNA
Your insurance card has your name listed as Marcellus Stone, but your intake form says Vlad.
Which do you prefer?
VLAD
Vlad.
ZAYNA
Do your friends and family call you Vlad?
VLAD
No.
ZAYNA
(delayed follow up)
I’m happy to refer to you as Vlad.
Can you give me some context as to how you came about the nickname, Vlad?
VLAD
It’s not a nickname.
ZAYNA
(pause)
Aside from me... how many other people call you, Vlad?
VLAD
No one.
ZAYNA
Do you plan on telling anyone other than me that you would prefer to be called, Vlad?
VLAD
Not sure.
ZAYNA
(frustrated sigh)
What is the deciding factor that might encourage you to inform others that you would prefer, Vlad?
VLAD
I don’t know exactly, I don’t have that ironed out yet.
It’s clear that Marcellus/Vlad is reluctant about seeking therapy.
ZAYNA
(sip of tea sound)
Can I ask you why you chose the name, Vlad?
VLAD
It’s Count Dracula’s first name.
ZAYNA
(caught off guard)
Bram Stoker’s Dracula?
(coughing)
VLAD
Yes.
ZAYNA
Are you fascinated with Vampires?
VLAD
Not particularly...
It just happened to be the most recent screenplay I read.
ZAYNA
Not the book, the screenplay?
VLAD
That’s right.
ZAYNA
(moving ahead)
Looking at your questionnaire, your current profession is forklift operator, but that you want to be a movie script writer. Can you elaborate a little more on that?
VLAD
(pissy)
It doesn’t say I want to be!
I AM a movie script writer.
ZAYNA
(treading lightly)
Do you have some type of written work in progress, or something you’ve completed?
VLAD
As a matter of fact, yes.
ZAYNA
Can you give me a quick synopsis?
VLAD
Well, it’s about this advertisement firm in New York City that makes high tech AI commercials that only one other outfit in the city knows how to create.
These two companies essentially go to war with each other, stealing clients and creating inner office turmoil.
The story incorporates spying, revenge, success, failure, and there’s even a love story wrapped around it.
All the elements of a great script.
ZAYNA
Well, it certainly sounds intriguing!
Have you published this script or farmed it out to film makers?
VLAD
Well, I guess you could say that.
ZAYNA
(waiting for more)
Is it too painful to talk about right now?
VLAD
No... we can talk about it.
(slight pause)
Long story short, I submitted the script to an online screenplay repository.
They have a service by where you can pay a professional script reader to evaluate your work.
ZAYNA
I take it you paid for this service and received an evaluation?
VLAD
Yes.
ZAYNA
Do you care to share the results?
VLAD
Not really.
ZAYNA
(long pause)
Can we talk about why Dr. Mimslyn referred you to me?
VLAD
I have a rare gum disease and my teeth are going to fall out.
ZAYNA
At a glance, you seem to have a healthy looking smile.
VLAD
It’s what you can’t see that’s causing the problem.
(slight pause)
It started behind my teeth and now it’s spread into my jaw.
ZAYNA
(careful approach)
My understanding... if you let Dr. Mimslyn extract your teeth now, he can get you into dentures right away.
VLAD
I’d just as soon let my teeth fall out on their own before I let someone pull them out.
ZAYNA
It’s a monumental and emotional decision, without a doubt...
But if you wait, you run the risk of bone deterioration in your jaw, which will ultimately lead to serious health conditions.
VLAD
I hear what you’re saying, but... pulling my teeth... it’s a hard no!
ZAYNA
(long pause)
We’re just about at time.
Can I schedule you to be here next week?
VLAD
Sure, I got nothing better to do.
Scene ends with Marcellus/Vlad standing up from the therapy chair and exiting Zayna’s private office with zero eye contact.
3EXT. DONNA’S APARTMENT - DUSK
Marcellus and a short, stocky woman are standing in front of an apartment door. She appears to have just gotten off work; blue collar attire, reflective vest in hand.
DONNA
Hey, thanks for the lift.
MARCELLUS
No problem.
(slight pause)
When do you think your car will be ready?
DONNA
I don’t know...
Even when it does get fixed, I’m sure I won’t have the money.
MARCELLUS
You know me, I’ll help you out the best I can.
DONNA
I know... thank you.
(slight pause)
Hey... the other day...
MARCELLUS
(playing it off)
No-no-no, it’s... fine.
DONNA
You sure?
MARCELLUS
Yeah...
DONNA
It just sort of happened... You know?
Marcellus tilts his head and turns his hands upward.
MARCELLUS
It’s all good... really.
DONNA
Ok...
Pick me up tomorrow?
MARCELLUS
Of course.
Scene ends with Marcellus nodding his head up and down, and Donna retreating into her apartment.
4INT. FAKKU CLOUD SERVICES, NORTHERN, VA - MORNING
Vlad is sitting at a cubicle when Jacob Bosley, all of 5’7 with Nirvana hair walks up and takes the empty seat beside him.
JACOB
Marcellus, what the hell dude?
VLAD
What?
JACOB
You’re over here all by yourself?
VLAD
Yeah...
JACOB
There’s an empty desk next to my cubicle... why don’t you sit there?
VLAD
I’m... good right here.
JACOB
What team do you work under?
VLAD
Huh?
JACOB
Team, like, who’s your manager?
VLAD
Oh, I work under Gavin’s team.
JACOB
(eyes wide open)
Gavin! Doing what?
VLAD
Uhh, I don’t really know, actually.
JACOB
(perplexed)
Whoa, hold on a second...
(pointing at a monitor)
What is that? What is Outdoor World?
VLAD
I’m going on a fishing trip this weekend... it’s a list of fishing gear I want to purchase before the trip.
JACOB
(hand on his forehead)
Are you kidding me right now?
(looking intense)
If that was on my monitor, and my manager was to walk by... I’d be fucking fired... right on the spot.
(walking away)
This is some bullshit!
The scene ends with Vlad finalizing his Outdoor World, online purchase, and not feeling one way or another about it.
5INT. MENTAL HEALTH OFFICE THE NEXT WEEK - MORNING
Vlad is once again in the waiting room, flipping through pages of an offshore fishing magazine when Zayna calls for him to enter her private office. We skip forward to him lying back in the therapy chair. Zayna is not in clear focus, as she is sitting upright in a chair behind him.
ZAYNA
You got a new job?
VLAD
Yeah.
ZAYNA
Doing what?
VLAD
Working for this cloud company.
ZAYNA
No, like, what position do you hold in the company.
VLAD
Not sure, I just started.
ZAYNA
(confused)
Alright, let’s go back to last week.
You said you submitted a screenplay to an online evaluator, and...
VLAD
And, they gave me a shitty rating.
ZAYNA
How did that make you feel?
VLAD
If I’m telling the truth, I felt like killing myself. What’s the point of living if you can’t achieve your goals.
ZAYNA
Are you able to differentiate between hurting yourself and the idea of wanting to be dead?
VLAD
Well, I’ve known quite a few people who have committed suicide.
All of which put a gun up to their heads and blew their brains out.
So... were they trying to hurt themselves?
ZAYNA
(raised voice)
I’m asking you!
Do you know the difference between saying you want to kill yourself... versus having fantasies of inflicting physical harm on yourself?
VLAD
(thinking)
The general consensus is that suicide participants are tired of hurting, hence there’s hopefully less pain in the afterlife.
ZAYNA
(slight head shake)
That still doesn’t answer my question, but we’re gonna move on.
(long pause)
When did you find out about your gum disease?
VLAD
About three months ago.
ZAYNA
Were you experiencing some kind of pain or discomfort in your mouth.
VLAD
To tell you the truth, after my failed screenplay, I started grinding my teeth... and they started to get sore... and then I noticed gum tissue on the back of my teeth started to blister.
ZAYNA
So, you’re blaming your gum disease on your screenplay rating?
VLAD
Yeah, that’s exactly what caused it.
I was fine before that.
ZAYNA
Dr. Mimslyn informed me that you have Necrotizing Ulcerative Periodontitis.
VLAD
And...
ZAYNA
And that’s not caused by stress.
VLAD
I don’t know what to tell you.
You’re asking me when I started noticing problems with my gums, and I’m trying to explain it to you.
ZAYNA
I just want you to see it for what it really is.
VLAD
(condescending)
Whatever you say...
Scene ends with Vlad shrugging his shoulders.
6EXT. GAVIN AND FRANKIE’S FISHING BOAT - DAY.
Frankie Marietti, Ichabod Crane with a pompadour, is prepping the bait for fishing while Gavin and Vlad sort out the rod situation.
FRANKIE
Mother fuck’n Marcellus!
(hands on hip)
You got everyone in the office talking about you, bro!
VLAD
Good things, I hope.
GAVIN
We just gotta make sure Paulina doesn’t figure out that you’re supposed to be on her team.
VLAD
Why, what if that happens?
GAVIN
Let’s just say... you won’t last long. She’s a slave driver.
Besides, I need you on my team... someone I can trust.
Frankie snatches a Miller Lite from Gavin, and hands Vlad a bloody piece of herring.
FRANKIE
So what’s the story, you two doing the Kickboxing thing?
VLAD
Yeah, you need to join.
It’ll whip you in shape in no time!
Gavin Dolan, Orlando Bloom with facial paralysis, somewhat changes the subject while showing Vlad how to attach the bloody herring to the fishing line leader
GAVIN
Frankie, did you know that Marcellus and I recently became eskimo brothers.
FRANKIE
(raised eyebrows)
With who?
GAVIN
(revving up his words)
El-Forma-Doblay!
FRANKIE
(shocked, looking at Vlad)
You hit that?
VLAD
I’ll be honest, I’m kinda... lost with this whole conversation.
(looking at his hands)
Could this bait be any bloodier?
Frankie assists Vlad with the bait and leader.
FRANKIE
(re-tying the leader)
El-Forma-Doblay...
Face busted from here to I don’t know where...
(handing the leader back)
What in the world made you do such a thing?
GAVIN
(interjects)
Word around the campfire is she paid for his kickboxing membership, and now he’s gotta pay her back with dick!
VLAD
(head shaking)
Not true!
FRANKIE
So, she’s in your class as well?
GAVIN
Yeah, she’s one of the instructors!
FRANKIE
No kidding!
VLAD
Come on Frankie, join the club.
Get on the mat and show us your skills.
FRANKIE
I might just do that!
Gavin casts out his line and proceeds to sit down in the actual fisherman’s chair.
GAVIN
Frankie, do you remember Carlson?
Flat-top hair cut.
FRANKIE
Yeah.
GAVIN
A few months back, he got set up on a blind date with El-Forma-Doblay...
FRANKIE
Oh, I know that didn’t go good.
GAVIN
(embarrassed grin)
He said that her face looked like someone set it on fire... and then put it out with an axe!
FRANKIE
(muffled laughter)
Damn, that’s harsh!
Vlad shakes his head and finally casts his line in the water.
FRANKIE
(sip of his beer)
She rough, no doubt about it, but... certainly didn’t stop either of you.
GAVIN
(reaching for the cooler)
I was blacked-out drunk, you can’t hold that against me.
FRANKIE
You said you banged her from behind... how you gonna remember that if you were blacked-out!
GAVIN
All I know is... woke up the next morning, turned over in the bed... that face was looking right at me!
FRANKIE
(crooked smile)
Yikes!
GAVIN
I flew out of that bed so fast.
You should have seen me...
(hand gesture)
I had the keys in my hand and it looked like I was trying to start the car before I even got to the car!
Laughing, Frankie walks over to Vlad.
FRANKIE
How was it Marcellus? Were you able to get past that face?
VLAD
Call me crazy, but... I actually think she’s kind of cute.
FRANKIE
(sourpuss look)
Eew!
VLAD
I’ve learned to appreciate people for who they are on the inside.
FRANKIE
Well, you were inside her!
How was it?
VLAD
Nope! Not going there!
As Vlad waves Frankie off, his fishing pole starts to bend at the tip.
VLAD
Shit! I think I got a fish.
GAVIN
Frankie, grab the net!
Scene ends before the fish is actually seen.
7INT. MENTAL HEALTH OFFICE THE NEXT WEEK - DAY
ZAYNA
Alright, let me understand something here.
This IT company that you now work for...
VLAD
Yes.
ZAYNA
What is it that you do for this company?
VLAD
Well, that’s just it... I don’t know, actually.
ZAYNA
What is your job title?
VLAD
Infrastructure Engineer.
ZAYNA
And what does an Infrastructure Engineer do?
VLAD
I have no idea.
ZAYNA
(shaking her head)
How did you get this job?
VLAD
Temp agency.
ZAYNA
Well, they must have seen something on your resume that made you a good fit for this position.
VLAD
I honestly think they got my resume mixed up with someone else.
ZAYNA
So why didn’t you say something when they offered you the job?
VLAD
Because the money is way more than I’ve ever made.
I figure it’ll take a month or two for them to figure it out.
By then I will have collected a few nice paychecks to get me by.
Zayna pauses her questions for a minute to take some notes in her journal.
ZAYNA
Let’s shift gears here for a minute and go back to last week.
(slight pause)
You said the issues with your gums began as a result of a less than desirable rating on your screenplay.
VLAD
Yes.
Three... three out of ten rating.
ZAYNA
Not for nothing but... that doesn’t sound that bad for your first run at it.
It takes a lot of courage to put yourself out there like that, and have the willingness to accept the criticism.
VLAD
Yes, and I get where you’re coming from.
But, I paid for that evaluation... with the kind of money I can’t afford to spend!
(drink of water)
At face value, anything below a five rating means there is absolutely no chance that you will ever be a successful writer.
They know it... you know it... the universe definitely knows it!
It’s a stake through the heart.
ZAYNA
Ok, so you get this otherwise bad rating...
Is that really the end of the world?
VLAD
Not the end of the world that you know...
But certainly hell on earth for me!
ZAYNA
Well, you got this new job, better pay... that’s gotta mean something to you, no?
VLAD
(pathetic look)
Just a matter of time before they figure out I’m a phony.
(irritated)
Here’s a question for you...
How many Ls do you need in the win column before you’re officially declared a fucking loser?
ZAYNA
You’re not a loser.
VLAD
By the very definition of losing over and over again, means that you are in fact a loser.
Vlad pushes his glass of water to the side and stands up.
VLAD
I can’t do this today.
The scene ends with Vlad storming out of Zayna’s private office.
8INT. FAKKU CLOUD SERVICES, NORTHERN, VA - MORNING
Jacob revisits Vlad at his secluded 6-man office cubby.
JACOB
(jealous tone)
How was your fishing trip... with Gavin!
Vlad looks around the office to see if anyone is listening.
VLAD
It was... fine.
JACOB
Did you catch anything?
VLAD
As a matter of fact, I did... I caught a Cobia!
JACOB
What the hell is a Cobia?
VLAD
I don’t know, but it was big!
(arms outstretched)
I thought it was a shark at first!
JACOB
But not a fish you can eat, right?
VLAD
No, we ate it!
After we got off the boat, we went back to Gavin’s house and he cooked it on the grill.
JACOB
(shocked)
You went back to Gavin’s house?
VLAD
Yes.
JACOB
Who all was there?
VLAD
Just Gavin, myself, and Frankie.
JACOB
(pissed off)
Frankie!
Oh, that piece of shit...
VLAD
Why do you say that?
JACOB
He and I were supposed to go to CyberCon at the expo!
That mother fucker...
Out fishing you and Gavin!
(walking away)
You could have invited me to go fishing!
As Jacob disappears to the other side of the main office, Vlad hears commotion going on in Gavin’s personal office. As such, he sneaks over to a cubicle in close proximity and listens in.
PAULINA
(raised voice)
Oh is that right!
That’s how it works?
The person I hired mysteriously didn’t pass his background check, but now all of a sudden, you have a new employee?
GAVIN
(slightly calmer)
It’s not like that...
PAULINA
It’s exactly like that!
(hands on hips)
Gavin, we can work this one of two ways.
You either give me your employee, or I’m informing leadership as to what’s going on here.
GAVIN
(skeptical)
What are you gonna do, call Tokyo at this hour and complain to Hishimoto?
PAULINA
I might!
GAVIN
You might... you might need to learn how to speak Japanese first.
PAULINA
(calmer)
Gavin, I will 100% send an email, to include some of the other bullshit you’ve pulled in the past.
So just hand him over, and I’ll go quietly back to my side of the office.
GAVIN
(hesitant)
He doesn’t know the first thing about procurement. He’s an infrastructure guy.
PAULINA
(smirk)
I’ll train him... he’ll be fine.
GAVIN
(long delay)
Alright... alright...
Scene ends as Gavin and Paulina exit Gavin’s office.
9INT. MENTAL HEALTH OFFICE, NORTHERN VIRGINIA - DAY
ZAYNA
You don’t know the first thing about procurement.
VLAD
I don’t know the first thing about Infrastructure either.
ZAYNA
But doesn’t this bleed into the conversation we had last week...
It’s just a matter of time before they fire you...
Another L in the win column...
VLAD
(full of self pity)
No turning back now!
I shaped my entire life with lies, deceit, selfishness, laziness, and a complete lack of respect for myself and everyone around me.
(further thinking)
And this job... I deserve to be exposed, I deserve to be made a fool, I deserve to feel shame and rejection...
All I’ve ever done is sponge off of others... pretending to be anything other than a low intellectual piece of shit.
ZAYNA
Boy, if those aren’t the words of someone dealing with an identity crisis.
And if I’m being perfectly honest with you, an identity crisis is nothing more than a facade one uses as an excuse for not taking control of their life!
VLAD
Oh, so now I have an identity crisis...
Just because I don’t like the name, Marcellus?
ZAYNA
(shrugging her shoulders)
What’s in a name... William Shakespeare once said.
VLAD
(delayed response)
That which we call a rose / By any other name would smell as sweet.
ZAYNA
Is that the response of a low intellectual piece of shit?
(looking at her watch)
Alright, we’re at time.
Scene ends with Vlad looking out the window.
10INT. FAKKU CLOUD SERVICES, PAULINA’S OFFICE - MORNING
Paulina is sitting at her desk when Vlad walks in.
PAULINA
Marcellus, go ahead and close that door behind you.
Vlad closes the door and proceeds to sit in a blue studded leather chair, which seems far too nice for the rest of the office. Paulina walks around and posts up at the edge of her desk; the corner closest to where Vlad is seated. Partially standing, her arms and legs crossed, and her general body language is that of a person standing uncomfortably close to another person. She’s undoubtedly tall, and her face, though perfectly structured, looks like a woman on a warpath.
PAULINA
(holding Vlad’s resume)
How much of this is bullshit?
VLAD
(apprehensive)
I’d say... about 80 percent.
PAULINA
(pointing at the resume)
Did you attend any of these schools?
VLAD
Not a one.
PAULINA
Did you attend college at all?
VLAD
I took a welding class at community college.
I passed the class, but my instructor expressed very little faith in my ability to make a career out of it.
PAULINA
But you did pass high school, right?
VLAD
(self loathing)
Umm, what had happened was...
My parents pulled me out of public school when I was in 9th grade and shipped me off to private school. I did pretty good there; passed maybe half of my classes. Ended up back in public school where I failed out for too many unexcused absences.
PAULINA
So you’re a high school dropout.
VLAD
Not exactly...
(talking to himself)
How do I say this in a nice way...
(thinking)
My mom had a certain relationship with the president of the school board...
And then one day my diploma just showed up in the mail.
PAULINA
(eyes wide open)
Ohh... kay...
(hands over her face)
Marcellus... I’m in a serious bind here.
You lied about your resume, which is cause to fire you.
But if I do that, our Japanese parent company will take 90 days to approve another requisition for me to hire someone, and I can’t wait that long!
VLAD
For the record... the resume you have is one that the temp agency created. And by temp agency, I mean HireRite.
More specifically, Susanne Guthrie.
PAULINA
(deflated)
Well, that would just about make sense, wouldn’t it... Gavin’s girlfriend got you this job.
What a piece of work...
(looking at the ceiling)
Just so we’re clear... you’re not the victim here, I am!
(standing overtop of Vlad)
You want this job? You want an opportunity at a real career? I can teach you...
VLAD
(elated)
Yes! I would like that very much.
Paulina throws Vlad’s resume in the wastepaper basket and steps even closer to him, her boobs practically in his face.
PAULINA
You do what I say, when I say it!
I want you in this office an hour earlier than you normally start, and I want you to stay an hour later than you normally get off.
VLAD
(grateful)
No problem, yes, I will... thank you!
PAULINA
(stepping away from Vlad)
Find a cubicle and get your computer set up; we have a team meeting in 30 minutes.
Vlad stands up and begins to walk out of Paulina’s office.
PAULINA
Marcellus, one more thing...
You work on this side of the office now... which means you have no associations with anyone on the other side.
Am I making myself clear?
VLAD
Crystal clear, yes, understood.
Scene ends with Vlad picking out his new cubicle and looking for an electrical outlet.
11INT. MENTAL HEALTH OFFICE, NORTHERN VIRGINIA - DAY
Vlad is in the waiting room flipping the pages of Golf Digest when Zayna calls for him. Skip forward to him lying back in the therapy chair.
ZAYNA
(surprised, delighted)
Procurement specialist?
VLAD
Yes!
ZAYNA
Wow, this is a major breakthrough.
Do you have any idea how rare these opportunities are in the game of life?
VLAD
I do, and I’m definitely grateful.
But I gotta tell you...
There’s something not right about this woman.
ZAYNA
What do you mean, not right?
Was it something she said?
VLAD
Not what she said, but the way she conducts herself... her body language.
ZAYNA
She’s obviously a woman of power, so you’re gonna have to accept that.
If she seems intimidating, it’s only because she has a lot of responsibilities.
And it sounds like she’s responsible for a lot of people.
VLAD
You’re probably right...
Maybe I’m overthinking it.
ZAYNA
(standing up)
I want you to remember something...
(slight pause)
Your career and your desire to be a screenwriter can coexist... so long as you know the difference.
If you choose to deploy a healthy state of mind in both situations, you will find success!
(slight pause)
I’ll be with you every step of the way.
VLAD
Thank you... that means a lot.
Scene ends with Vlad nodding his head and staring into blank space.
12INT. KICKBOXING CLASS LATER THAT WEEK - EVENING
Typical scenario with Vlad sitting at the edge of the mat lacing up his gloves. Gavin pops squat beside him.
GAVIN
Frankie and I are going golfing this weekend... come join us.
VLAD
I don’t golf.
GAVIN
I don’t golf either, that’s not the point. Just come out with us... hit a few balls in the woods.
VLAD
(re-lacing one glove)
Paulina doesn’t want me fraternizing with Technical Operations.
GAVIN
What!
Man, fuck that bitch!
She can’t tell you what to do on the weekends.
VLAD
(pleading)
Gavin, I need this job, and I don’t want to ruffle her feathers.
GAVIN
(tightening his gloves)
You wouldn’t even have this job if it wasn’t for me.
(somewhat upset)
Also, no one needs to know we’re playing golf this weekend.
(mouthpiece in hand)
Frankie certainly isn’t gonna say anything... his wife thinks he’s working extra hours at the data center.
VLAD
(holding in the laugh)
He doesn’t even know where the data center is!
GAVIN
(not holding in the laugh)
Who are you telling!
(scooting closer to Vlad)
Listen man, you need to lighten up.
(slight pause)
It’s just a fucking job...
And to be perfectly honest, nobody in that office understands what it is that we actually do.
VLAD
(interjecting)
Well we... rack and stack servers in a data center; that’s what we do.
GAVIN
But for who? And why? What technology are we actually deploying?
VLAD
I guess I get your point.
GAVIN
The only person that can answer those questions... lives in goddamn Japan!
(another slight pause)
Point being, you, me, anyone... could do the same job for any other cloud company.
(hand on Vlad’s shoulder)
Tee time is 9am on Saturday.
Scene ends with Gavin and Vlad walking out onto the middle of the mat and beginning their warmup.
13INT. FAKKU CLOUD SERVICES, NEW CUBICLE - MORNING
Because Vlad is required to be at work an hour before the rest of the staff, he is alone at his cubicle when Paulina walks in.
PAULINA
(no eye contact with Vlad)
You’re not golfing this weekend.
(continues walking by)
And that Fuck-Head Frankie isn’t golfing either!
Vlad fixates on Paulina’s red suede boots as she storms into her private office and slams the door. Skip forward to lunch on the first floor of the FAKKU building. Gavin is in line behind Vlad getting coffee.
VLAD
(talking face forward)
I’m telling you, she knows!
GAVIN
No she doesn’t!
She wants you to think that!
VLAD
(turning around)
Dude! She walked past my desk and said, you’re - not - golfing this weekend!
So don’t tell me she doesn’t know.
GAVIN
(front of the line)
Didn’t I tell you not to let that woman get into your head... didn’t I?
VLAD
(coffee in hand)
No, you never said that...
And if she finds out I’m even standing here in line with you, she’s gonna freak out!
(adding cream/sugar)
Oh, and by the way, she told me Frankie isn’t golfing either this weekend!
GAVIN
(walking away)
Don’t cave into that bitch... you hear me?
Scene ends with Vlad taking a sip of his coffee, which is way too hot.
14INT. ALCOHOL UNANIMOUS MEETING - NIGHT
Vlad is standing at a typical AA podium in a room filled with alcoholics.
VLAD
Hello everyone, my name is Vlad, I’m an alcoholic.
AA MEMBERS
Hello, Vlad!
VLAD
It’s been three months, eight days, fourteen hours...
(looking at his watch)
And eleven minutes since my last drink.
(members applaud)
Thank you...
(looking at the crowd)
This is not my normal meeting location, but I’m going through a bit of an identity crisis, so I figured it might do me good to be around new faces.
(slight pause)
I don’t want to say my alcoholism is unique, because that’s exactly what an alcoholic would say. But, in order for my story to make sense, I need to disclose the fact that no one ever confronted me about my drinking. No one ever told me that I should seek help.
Friends... family... they all thought I was just desperate for attention.
Even experts, in this very arena told me that alcoholism is measured by the harm that you do onto others.
But what about the harm that it has done onto me!
(long pause)
So, where did it all begin?
That’s a good question...
Time progression as Vlad explains his unverified history of drinking. We resume at the end of his speech.
VLAD
Thanks for letting me share.
AA MEMBERS
(chanting)
Keep coming back! It works if you work it!
Scene ends as Vlad steps away from the podium.
15INT. FAKKU CLOUD SERVICES - MORNING
Again, an hour before the rest of the staff arrives to work, Vlad is already at his cubicle when Paulina walks by.
PAULINA
(no eye contact)
Marcellus, I need you for a second.
Vlad steps away from his cubicle and proceeds to Paulina’s private office.
PAULINA
Close the door.
Vlad once again sits down in the opposing studded blue leather chair.
PAULINA
It’s come to my attention that you’re an alcoholic.
VLAD
(eyes wide)
Well, that’s ironic...
PAULINA
I’m bringing this to your attention because I’m taking my team out for dinner tomorrow night, and there’s going to be alcohol.
(awaiting his response)
Are you going to be ok, or do I need to ask the restaurant to set up a little kid’s table next to the adult table, so that you can be better supervised?
VLAD
Wow...
I didn’t imagine when I woke up this morning that my workday would kickoff with such humiliation.
PAULINA
You’re the one who can’t control himself, so that’s on you.
VLAD
Ok, well, that doesn’t exactly reduce the feeling of indignity, but...
I’ve been sober for over three months, which I suspect you already knew. Which is to say that I can handle the pressure of being around others that drink.
PAULINA
Alright, good, glad we got that settled.
Next...
Kickboxing with Gavin on Thursdays...
VLAD
Yes... he and I are in the same class...
PAULINA
I understand there’s an early class that day.
VLAD
At 5pm, yes, but I’m here til six.
PAULINA
From now on, on Thursdays, you start at 6am, and you can leave at four for that earlier class.
VLAD
(shocked)
6am!
PAULINA
You got a problem with that?
VLAD
I’m not sure I care that much about kickboxing to be honest with you!
I was just doing it for the exercise.
PAULINA
Fine, I’ll get you a membership at my gym.
(pointing to her door)
You’re excused!
As Vlad lumbers out of Paulina’s office, he hears her talking under her breath.
PAULINA
(soft silly tone)
Kickboxing... as if!
Scene ends as Vlad returns to his cubicle, sits down in his crooked chair, and inspects the chair to see what’s wrong with it.
16INT. DC PRIME STEAKHOUSE - NIGHT
Vlad and Jacob are sitting at a smaller table that is butted up to the main event table with the rest of their workmates. There’s a clear step down between tables.
JACOB
Ahh, this isn’t so bad...
VLAD
Really? Look where we’re sitting!
JACOB
(laughing)
You were all content with your cush position on Gavin’s team... and now look atcha...
(holding up his glass)
Welcome to the real corporate America!
As Vlad looks at Jacob with dismay, Paulina rises from the far end of the main table to make a speech.
PAULINA
Alright everyone, I have a few announcements to make.
One, don’t think for a second that the workload is going to lighten up, because it’s not. The organization is getting ready to roll out a new initiative, which means bringing on new vendors, which means processing new orders.
Two, all PTO requests must go through me from now on.
If your request for time off is this month or next... the answer is no!
Lastly, we have a new procurement specialist on our team. His name is Marcellus, but he prefers to be called, Vlad... V-L-A-D, Vlad!
Completely caught off guard, Vlad’s eyebrows race to the top of his forehead.
PAULINA
Please take the time to introduce yourself to him, as he will play an integral part in our success.
Random employee at the main table yells out.
RANDOM EMPLOYEE
Where is he?
PAULINA
Oh, I’m sorry, he’s at the little kid’s table, sitting next to Jacob.
The scene ends with Vlad sliding down in his seat to make himself less visible.
17INT. MENTAL HEALTH OFFICE LATER THAT WEEK - MORNING
VLAD
(voice raised)
I don’t know! Maybe she’s got someone tailing me... private eye or something.
ZAYNA
Vlad, you’re being ridiculous!
You just said that she referred to you as an integral part of the team!
Why are you downplaying this?
VLAD
(yelling)
I wasn’t even at the same table as the rest of the team!
(more riled up)
And what does that even have to do with the fact my manager knew the name, Vlad!
The only person I told was you!
ZAYNA
You told everyone in your AA class.
VLAD
(frustrated)
Oh my god...
The meeting was 40 miles from here; zero connection to my job or anyone I know.
(head shaking)
She somehow bugged my phone... or she did something... it’s the only way it can be explained.
Scene ends with Vlad stretching his head all the way back over the chair headrest and staring at the ceiling.
18INT. PAULINA’S GYM - MORNING
Vlad, halfway through his first set on the bench, startled when he sees Paulina towering above him. She uses the name, Vlad in a very over-pronounced way.
PAULINA
(staring down at him)
Good morning, Vlad!
Nice to see you taking advantage of the gym membership that I pay for!
She puts her hand over the bench bar to prevent Vlad from being able to return the weights to the resting position. There’s a moment of struggle and fear on Vlad’s face until Paulina releases her grip.
VLAD
(breathing heavy)
Jesus Christ, are you trying to kill me?
PAULINA
(snarky)
It’s called resistance training!
Which is a whole lot more effective than you and Gavin tickling each other’s balls in that gay kickboxing class.
VLAD
I was here yesterday afternoon, but they turned me away... on account of this being an “AM” membership only.
PAULINA
(adding weight to the bar)
Beggars can’t be choosers!
VLAD
(long pause)
Paulina, since we’re not at work...
And technically you have no authority over me at this exact moment...
I want to ask you a very pointed question, and I expect you to give me an honest answer.
(serious look)
Are you spying on me?
PAULINA
Am I spying on you?
VLAD
Why did you call me Vlad in front of everyone at the restaurant?
PAULINA
That’s what you want to be called, right?
VLAD
That’s beside the point.
I want to know how you knew that, considering that I never told you or anyone at work about my preferred name.
PAULINA
My brother runs the AA meeting in Oakton; said he had the pleasure of meeting someone that worked for FAKKU.
(slight pause)
It wasn’t hard to put two and two together.
A defeated look comes over Vlad’s face. He looks at Paulina, puts his hands over his face, and then looks back at her.
VLAD
It’s more than just that...
You’re running tabs on me in a way that is incredibly intrusive.
And I might even go as far as to say illegal!
PAULINA
I’m sorry you feel that way.
But fact of the matter is... you’re the new guy. And based on the way you got this job, I highly doubt any background check was performed.
VLAD
(a little upset)
Oh, so instead of running my social security number through a normal criminal databank, which would take all of two seconds, you’re operating your own private investigative service?
PAULINA
Yeah, pretty much!
VLAD
(head shaking)
I’m gonna make this easy for you.
(loud)
I quit!
Scene ends as Vlad stands up from the bench press and walks away. A dastardly grin develops on Paulina’s face.
19INT. VLAD’S APARTMENT HOURS LATER - AFTERNOON
Doorbell rings, Vlad opens the door and is surprised to see Paulina standing there.
PAULINA
You can’t quit...
VLAD
Why?
PAULINA
Because where are you gonna find a job that pays twice as much as you made last year?
VLAD
How do you know how much I made last year?
(sarcastic)
Oh, that’s right, I almost forgot, you’re a stalker!
Possibly psychotic!
PAULINA
I’m not the one with an identity crisis.
Paulina barges past Vlad and into the living room of the apartment without permission.
VLAD
Hey! I didn’t invite you in.
PAULINA
(lurking around his place)
Wow, what a shit hole.
(looking back at Vlad)
But I guess based on the minimum wages you were making last year... this is all you can afford.
VLAD
Please leave...
PAULINA
A fucking forklift operator... really?
(starting to laugh)
Of all the places to work; a goddamn liquor distribution warehouse!
VLAD
I’m asking you nicely to leave.
PAULINA
(in Vlad’s face)
Answer me this...
You were fired for making unauthorized adjustments to the security cameras, yes?
(now in his ear)
Why?
Vlad doesn’t respond, Paulina has parting words as she exits his apartment.
PAULINA
So what are you... an alcoholic or a thief!
Scene ends as Vlad closes his apartment door, but not all the way shut. There’s a quick, creepy view of Vlad’s eyeball looking through the crack in the door.
20INT. KICKBOXING CLASS LATER THAT WEEK - EVENING
Vlad and Gavin are standing on the side of the mat watching this incredibly strong and muscular woman step onto the mat for a one-on-one serious sparring session with the lead male instructor. Most of the focus is on Vlad and Gavin’s fearful expression as they watch this woman throw punches with terrifying accuracy and impact. The punches and kicks are fierce, loud, and delivered with bad intent.
GAVIN
(smiling)
Hey, look who’s back!
(squatting next to Vlad)
Someone has been asking about you!
VLAD
Who?
GAVIN
(over-pronunciation)
El-Forma-Doblay!
(lacing up his gloves)
I wonder if she would let us double-team her...
VLAD
Can we please talk about something else?
GAVIN
Oh come on... you grab one of her big-ass hamstrings, and I’ll grab the other... have a little tug of war!
VLAD
Seriously, I’m not in the mood.
GAVIN
(not giving up)
I don’t know about you, but when I was with her, she was on top of me flexing her muscles... that shit turned me on... ain’t gonna lie!
(intense lower voice)
Her biceps are like softballs!
VLAD
(irritable)
That’s quite vivid for claiming to be blacked-out drunk!
(slight pause)
And if you like her biceps that much, then feel free to spar with her today!
Vlad and Gavin stand up and walk to the center of the mat.
GAVIN
(sincere)
Hey look, I’m sorry. I was just trying to be funny.
VLAD
Well, it’s not funny.
(inserting mouthpiece)
If I told her half of the things you say... she’d beat you to a pulp... literally!
We see Gavin and Vlad spar for a few seconds just before the male instructor brings everyone into a circle. Skip forward to the locker room after class.
GAVIN
I hear you’re taking a leave of absence from work.
VLAD
No... I quit.
GAVIN
Quit?
VLAD
Yeah.
GAVIN
Your out-of-office says, leave of absence.
VLAD
Yeah, well, that’s probably because Paulina thinks that she can convince me to change my mind.
GAVIN
Word around the office is that you’re doing really well in that new position.
VLAD
Gavin, she’s fucking crazy!
She came over to my apartment the other day, uninvited I might add...
She damn near broke my door down!
GAVIN
Everyone in your department went through the exact same thing. It’s a test... it’s her way of making sure you’re a team player!
(talking quieter)
Look, and this stays between you and I...
Our Japanese parent company, their culture does not accept quitting! In their minds, something must be wrong within our division if someone quits.
Hence, you’re on a medical leave of absence.
VLAD
(surprised)
Medical?
GAVIN
Paulina has you listed as time off for mental health reasons.
VLAD
Oh, for the love of God!
That woman is the devil in disguise.
Vlad looks up at the ceiling and shakes his head.
GAVIN
(very close, whispering)
Your status shows PAID leave of absence!
Vlad’s eyes open wide. Gavin puts his wrapped hand over his lips.
GAVIN
You did not hear that from me.
Scene ends with the male instructor signaling time, and El-Forma-Doblay joining the rest of the class.
21INT. MENTAL HEALTH OFFICE LATER THAT WEEK - MORNING
ZAYNA
What! Paid time off?
VLAD
Yep.
ZAYNA
For how long?
VLAD
I don’t know.
ZAYNA
Well, you can’t just sit back and collect paychecks without doing anything.
VLAD
I’m aware of that, but right now I just want to concentrate on how to get my mind in a better place. The fact that I don’t have to worry about bills piling up is a huge relief.
Zayna stands up from her normal seated position behind Vlad and circles her desk to grab a pad and pen.
ZAYNA
Vlad, I want to try something...
(slight pause)
Take me back to the day you submitted your screenplay.
What were the negative reviews and who provided these reviews?
VLAD
It was two anonymous script readers... they felt that the story didn’t connect from beginning to end and that the characters were not well defined.
ZAYNA
Tell me the basis of your story...
And not what you think I want to hear, but how you would pitch it if you were standing in front of a movie producer.
VLAD
Well...
It’s a story about a young woman who gets a job at an advertisement firm.
(long pause)
And uh...
ZAYNA
What about her?
(long pause)
What does she look like?
VLAD
She has... this... magnanimous butt...
ZAYNA
(her pen falls)
Magnanimous?
(picking up the pen)
VLAD
Yes...
Everyone in her office makes comments about it behind her back.
People in restaurants and other public settings point at her and snicker.
There are even a few scenes where her butt knocks over chairs, tables, and stuff.
It takes Zayna a second to finish jotting down notes.
ZAYNA
Vlad..
(beside herself)
I’m just gonna come right out and say it...
With a premise like that, it’s very difficult to write a compelling story around it, let alone convince a movie producer to green-light it.
VLAD
In hindsight, I agree with you.
But the fact is, I spent hundreds of hours, and endless rewrites trying to perfect it.
I never thought it was a ten...
But a fucking six would have been nice!
At least I would have thought I was on the right track.
(sip of water)
But not now!
ZAYNA
Do you remember what you said to me a few weeks ago...
What’s the point of living if you can’t achieve your goals?Going To
VLAD
Yeah, and I still stand by that.
ZAYNA
Well, what if you set out to achieve a two out of ten.
How would a 3-rating feel then?
VLAD
I’m not following.
ZAYNA
A goal is merely a line in the sand.
You can put that line anywhere.
When someone says, shoot for the stars, what they really mean to say is... get some traction first, and then aim high.
(slight pause)
Does that make sense to you?
VLAD
(nodding his head)
Yeah, I guess.
ZAYNA
Alright, we’re at time.
I have to get ready for my next patient... you can go ahead and let yourself out.
Vlad turns his head and watches as Zayna retreats into what appears to be her own private bathroom. He talks to her with the door closed.
VLAD
I didn’t realize how tall you are until just now.
ZAYNA
(from behind closed door)
That’s an odd thing to say to a woman while she’s in the bathroom.
VLAD
Yeah, no... I just... never noticed before.
ZAYNA
Is that a bad thing?
VLAD
No, I just...
ZAYNA
Alright, well, see you next week.
Scene ends as Vlad stands up and exits the office.
22EXT. BROADLANDS COMMUNITY CENTER BIKE PATH - SATURDAY MORNING
Vlad is jogging and notices Paulina jogging the opposite direction, getting ready to cross an intersection. He basically yells at her from across the street.
VLAD
Really?
Instead of crossing the intersection, Paulina waits for Vlad to reach her.
PAULINA
Really what?
VLAD
(perturbed)
Is this just a coincidence... again?
PAULINA
Oh, so now you’re gonna claim I’m stalking you on the bike path... in the neighborhood that I live in?
VLAD
I run this path every Saturday morning, at this exact time, and I’ve never seen you out here running.
PAULINA
You can run anywhere, why would you choose my neighborhood; you don’t live anywhere near here.
VLAD
(raised voice)
This bike path damn near runs the entire length of the county.
Why are you calling this your neighborhood?
We’re standing at a major thoroughfare with no houses in sight!
PAULINA
(getting in Vlad’s face)
Your shitty apartment complex is 15 miles away from here; what are you... running a fucking marathon!
Scene ends as Vlad throws up his hands, shakes his head, and jogs away from Paulina.
23INT. ALCOHOL UNANIMOUS MEETING, OAKTON, VA - EVENING
VLAD
Hello, my name is Vlad, I’m an alcoholic.
AA MEMBERS
(all responding together)
Hi Vlad!
VLAD
It’s been... I don’t know... three and a half months since my last drink.
(hearing applause)
I can’t really say I’ve been tempted to drink lately, but they say that stress has a funny way of tricking you into thinking you’re not being tempted.
Therein lies the true definition of an addict...
The scene fast forwards to the end of the meeting where members are standing around drinking coffee and eating doughnuts. Vlad is talking to Doug Stamper, the AA mediator.
VLAD
I realize that coffee is the polar opposite of alcohol, but it’s 7:30 at night. How is everyone gonna go to bed and get up for work tomorrow?
DOUG
Yeah, I can’t do it, I’ll be up all night.
VLAD
(apprehensive)
Doug, I feel awkward asking this, but moving forward I don’t want your sister, Paulina knowing about my participation here at this AA chapter.
DOUG
I don’t have a sister named, Paulina.
VLAD
Half sister... sister-in-law?
DOUG
No.
VLAD
(laughing)
I should have added this to my testimony.
DOUG
Why, who is she?
VLAD
She’s my boss... was my boss!
I don’t want to say she’s stalking me, but umm, she has a very questionable process for doing background checks on her employees.
DOUG
What do you mean?
VLAD
Instead of utilizing a professional background investigation service, she takes it upon herself and snoops into everyone’s private life.
And I mean like... coming to your house to see how you live, finding out what hobbies you participate in, who your friends are!
DOUG
(surprised)
Seriously?
VLAD
Yeah.
(slight pause)
I’ll be honest, I think she somehow hacked my phone, because she always knows where I’m at.
DOUG
Did you report this to the police?
VLAD
One, I’m not sure it warrants that kind of attention.
Two, I have absolutely no proof.
DOUG
Man-o-man, I wish I had better advice for you...
(slight pause)
A lot of people fall off the wagon because of work related issues.
Don’t lose sight of how far you’ve come.
Another AA member approaches Doug with a question.
DOUG
(pulling away from Vlad)
You got my number, right?
VLAD
Yeah.
DOUG
I don’t care where you’re at, or how late it is; if you call me, I will jump in my car and come meet you... no matter what the circumstance is.
(hand on Vlad’s shoulder)
VLAD
Thanks... I appreciate that.
DOUG
No problem...
Keep coming back, it works if you work it.
Scene ends with Doug walking away and Vlad nodding his head in appreciation.
24EXT. DONNA'S APARTMENT LATER THAT SAME EVENING - LATE NIGHT
Same scenario where Vlad appears to have given Donna a ride home for work, and now they are standing just outside of her apartment door.
VLAD
I’m really sorry about your car situation.
DONNA
I can’t keep asking you to give me a ride home... it’s not fair to you.
VLAD
I got nothing else going on right now.
(thinking)
Having said that... it would be easier if you weren’t on the graveyard shift.
Sad look comes over Donna’s face as she stands there in her dingy, ill-fitting overalls with a sweaty bandana around her head.
DONNA
(small tears)
I need the money...
As Vlad tries to be sympathetic to her situation, his phone rings. It’s Gavin’s trying to Facetime. He looks at Donna for approval.
VLAD
It’s Gavin...
DONNA
Go ahead and take it... I’m fine.
VLAD
You sure?
Donna nods her head and slips into her apartment so that Vlad can take the call. He walks away while putting Gavin up on his phone screen.
VLAD
Hey...
GAVIN
Dude! You golfing on Tuesday or what?
VLAD
Tuesday?
GAVIN
It’s our company appreciation day; you’re supposed to be part of our foursome; Frankie, me, you and Jacob.
VLAD
First I’m hearing about it, but sure.
(thinking)
Hold on, hold on hold on...
Is Paulina gonna be there?
GAVIN
It’s our entire division, but you don’t have to worry about her...
Her group doesn’t tee off until mid morning; we’ll be off the 18th hole long before she makes it back to the clubhouse. You won’t even see her.
VLAD
(approaching his car)
I hear you saying that but, she conveniently finds a way to track me down no matter where I’m at.
GAVIN
She’s gonna be way too busy with public relations... I promise you.
VLAD
Alright, let me think about it.
Scene ends with Vlad starting his car, which doesn’t start right away.
25EXT. BRAMBLETON GOLF COURSE, TUESDAY - MORNING
Vlad and Jacob are at the tee box, Gavin and Frankie are standing at the golf carts trying to decide what club to grab.
GAVIN
Five iron? Are you crazy!
(pointing at the fairway)
There’s a sand trap in front of the green, I gotta be able to get over that.
FRANKIE
And a ravine behind the green, so what are you gonna do?
GAVIN
(hollering at Jacob)
Jay-bone! What club you hitting?
JACOB
(yelling back)
Four iron!
GAVIN
(looking at Frankie)
See!
(under his breath)
Five iron... pfff!
Vlad tees up his ball and takes a swing. BAM!
JACOB
(looking down the fairway)
Good Lord, Vlad! You smacked the hell out of that one!
Both Gavin and Frankie look awkwardly at Jacob.
FRANKIE
Who’s Vlad?
VLAD
(impressed with himself)
With a shot like that, maybe it’s as good a time as any...
(with a raised voice)
I prefer to be called, Vlad!
Frankie and Gavin look at each other confused.
GAVIN
Vlad... what, is that your middle name?
VLAD
No.
I just prefer Vlad over Marcellus.
FRANKIE
What’s wrong with the name, Marcellus?
VLAD
My grandfather’s name is Marcellus; spent most of his life in jail.
Gavin jumps in before Frankie can inquire further.
GAVIN
(switching clubs)
If he says he wants to be called, Vlad, then that’s what we’re gonna call him.
(pointing at Jacob)
Tee up your ball, let’s go!
JACOB
(lining up)
Watch carefully, gents!
This is a proper backswing.
(bam)
Alright... bit of a draw...
FRANKIE
(cockeyed look)
Bit of a draw?
Thing went right into the fucking woods!
Fast forward a few holes later. Vlad sinks a 10 foot putt and smiles. As the foursome exits the green, Vlad sees Paulina and her foursome teeing up on a parallel hole on the front nine.
GAVIN
Hey look, it’s your future wife.
VLAD
If she wasn’t a complete nut-job, I’d actually say she’s attractive.
GAVIN
Oh, she’s definitely got that crazy hotness about her.
JACOB
I would 100% bang her!
FRANKIE
(putter over his shoulder)
I bet you she’s got a big clit.
GAVIN
(confused look)
What in the world would make you say that?
FRANKIE
Tall chicks generally have big clits.
JACOB
(Laughing)
No possible way there’s any truth to that!
FRANKIE
Hey, I’m just saying that’s been my experience.
JACOB
With who?
GAVIN
Jacob, don’t encourage him.
He’s being an idiot.
(shaking his head)
He’s been with all of two girls in the last ten years.
VLAD
Yeah... I would be very careful when it comes to what you say about her...
She’s probably got recording devices in all of our golf bags.
Fast forward - Stepping off the 18th hole and walking into the clubhouse lounge.
GAVIN
Man, that was a great round of golf.
Frankie, get me a Stella. I gotta go wash my hands.
(walking away)
And get Vlad a double water with ice.
(giggling)
JACOB
I’m gonna grab this table over here before everyone starts piling in.
Skip forward - The four men are at their table discussing who had the best shot of the day.
GAVIN
Jacob’s 30 foot putt was unbelievable; long sloping turn...
(hand gesture)
right into the hole.
FRANKIE
Well, you definitely got closest to the pin on that par three.
GAVIN
Yeah, but then I missed the putt.
VLAD
For me, it was that drive off the first tee. That was my best shot of the day. Possibly my best drive ever!
JACOB
Dude, you absolutely crushed that ball.
Paulina and her foursome come off the 18th hole and into the clubhouse lounge. She walks directly over to Gavin.
PAULINA
How did you shoot?
GAVIN
Collectively we parred the course.
But me personally, I think I lost a ball on every hole.
PAULINA
My game was completely off today. But Tammy got an eagle on 14.
GAVIN
That’s awesome!
PAULINA
Yeah, it was one of those deals where we were looking all over the place for her ball... it was sitting right there in the hole.
JACOB
We’re pretty sure Vlad hit a bird on 17.
(laughing)
There were feathers in the sand trap next to his ball.
PAULINA
(looking around the table)
Oh, so we’re all in agreement that we’re calling Marcellus Vlad from now on?
JACOB
We crossed that bridge earlier in the game.
PAULINA
(awkward pause)
Hey Vlad, you got a second?
As Vlad stands up, Frankie makes a mockery out of it.
FRANKIE
Ooo... you’re in trouble...
As Paulina and Vlad walk away from the table, Paulina looks back at Frankie.
PAULINA
I heard you’re too much of a pussy to join kickboxing!
(continues walking)
Paulina and Vlad walk over to the pro shop for some privacy.
PAULINA
I want to put our differences aside for a minute.
I have a serious situation, I could use your help.
VLAD
Ok.
PAULINA
My next door neighbor, her husband left her for a younger woman. She’s been drunk every day since.
Her family wants to have an intervention, and they want me to arrange it.
VLAD
Was she always a heavy drinker?
PAULINA
I’ve seen her drink socially, but never falling down drunk... like she is now.
VLAD
If that’s the case, I’d recommend a heartbreak intervention first.
PAULINA
What is that?
VLAD
That’s where you plan simple activities to keep her mind occupied on something other than her broken heart.
PAULINA
Like what kind of activities?
VLAD
Anything... something cheerful, like bowling.
PAULINA
Bowling! That’s the exact opposite of cheerful.
VLAD
Doesn’t matter what it is... as long as people are doing something and smiling about it.
PAULINA
Well, it’s not going to be bowling!
(slight pause)
I once put my fingers in the bowling ball...
There was a bloody Band-Aid in one of the holes.
A rictus grin takes over Vlad’s face.
VLAD
Again... just take her somewhere fun that is not centered around alcohol.
PAULINA
(thumb on her chin)
She’s coming over to my house this afternoon. Would you do me the hugest favor, and just come over and talk to her.
VLAD
Paulina, I don’t know the first thing about your friend. It would be incredibly awkward for her to take advice from an otherwise stranger!
PAULINA
(pouting)
Vlad, please!
I don’t know what to do.
She comes over almost every day with a bottle of wine in her hand, boo-hooing about her husband.
VLAD
I’m sorry, that’s way outside of my comfort zone.
PAULINA
Jesus Christ, Vlad! I’m asking you for one simple thing!
(temperature going up)
It’s not like you have anything else going on...
Sitting at home, collecting paychecks!
VLAD
(flummoxed)
Is that how it works? Guilt me into doing this?
PAULINA
(calmer, hand over heart)
I am at your mercy on this one.
And I swear things will be different between us after this.
Long, uncomfortable pause before Vlad caves in.
VLAD
(reluctant nod)
Ok, what time?
PAULINA
Five o’clock.
VLAD
Alright, text me the address.
(head tilted)
And don’t say you don’t have my number!
Vlad walks back to the table with his golf buddies.
FRANKIE
(with a smirk)
Did she make you go down on her?
(giggling)
GAVIN
Knock it off, Frankie.
(looking at Vlad)
Is everything ok?
VLAD
Yeah-yeah... unrelated to work.
Scene ends as Vlad takes a sip of his water, and Jacob continues talking about spectacular golf shots.
26EXT. PAULINA’S HOUSE A FEW HOURS LATER.
Vlad rings the doorbell, and Paulina lets him in.
PAULINA
Thanks for coming by.
VLAD
No problem.
(following her)
For whatever reason, I never noticed how tall you are... until today.
(walking behind her)
What are you, 5’10?
PAULINA
Thereabouts...
(looking back at Vlad)
Why, is that a bad thing?
VLAD
No, I just...
(slight head shaking)
I don’t know, it’s like... everyone is tall nowadays. Or I’m getting shorter.
Paulina invites Vlad into the living room and introduces him to her neighbor, Rebekah.
PAULINA
(nonchalant)
Vlad, this is Rebekah.
Rebekah... Vlad.
Rebekah stands up and shakes Vlad’s hand.
VLAD
Nice to meet you!
REBEKAH
(smiling)
Same!
PAULINA
Hey, it’s really nice outside, let’s go out back and sit by the pool.
As they step out onto the back patio, Vlad looks astonished.
VLAD
(looking the place over)
Paulina, this pool area is amazing!
PAULINA
Thanks.
It was like two years of fighting with contractors to get it the way I wanted.
REBEKAH
Totally worth it, though!
VLAD
No doubt!
Noticing that Rebekah is drinking what appears to be water, Vlad asks Paulina for the same.
PAULINA
Yeah sure, got plenty in the fridge, I’ll be right back.
REBEKAH
(bit of a pause)
Vlad, what do you do for a living?
VLAD
(light laugh)
You might have to ask Paulina that question.
REBEKAH
Oh, why is that, you two work together?
VLAD
(still kind of laughing)
Umm, you could say that.
PAULINA
(returning with water)
He’s a procurement specialist at FAKKU.
REBEKAH
(looking at Vlad)
Why the reluctance?
VLAD
Well... I’m on a... leave of absence.
REBEKAH
Oh really...
Anything you wish to share?
(slight pause)
It’s ok if you don’t want to talk about it.
VLAD
(one eye on Paulina)
No-no, just a little rough patch in my personal life.
Paulina wants me back at work tomorrow, but I’m not quite there yet.
REBEKAH
No judgment here...
Although, at my job, there’s no such thing as a leave of absence.
Leave means leave for good!
Rebekah goes over to the pool and dips her toe in.
REBEKAH
(looking back at Paulina)
I’m going in this pool right now. And that’s all there is to it.
As Rebekah removes her swimwear skirt, Paulina looks over at Vlad.
PAULINA
What do you say... go for a dip?
VLAD
I didn’t bring swim trunks.
Vlad looks over at Rebekah, who is now down to her bikini.
VLAD
Wow!
Paulina gets up close to Vlad’s ear as he gawks over Rebekah strutting around the pool edge, looking for the perfect place to dive in.
PAULINA
(talking softly)
Look at that body, mmm...
Blonde hair, blue eyes, tiny waist, tan lines, gorgeous face...
VLAD
(in a trance)
You should have told me to bring my swim trunks.
Paulina takes a step away and looks down at Vlad’s golf shorts.
PAULINA
You got underwear on, right?
VLAD
I got boxers on...
Paulina turns her back to Vlad and strips down to her bikini.
PAULINA
Boxers... that’ll work!
VLAD
(fixated on her body)
As soon as I jump in the water, you’re gonna be able to see right through these boxer shorts.
Paulina removes her top and makes a quick dash for the pool.
REBEKAH
Oh my god, Paulina!
After a big splash, Paulina resurfaces and looks back at Vlad.
PAULINA
Boxer shorts, bikinis... no bikini!
It’s all the same thing.
Come on... it’s exhilarating!
VLAD
(talking under his breath)
Here goes nothing...
Vlad takes off his shirt, drops his shorts and runs towards the pool’s edge with nothing more than white boxer shorts with blue pinstripes. He jumps in with an unusual looking dive that creates an exceptional splash.
VLAD
(coming up for air)
Oh my god, you’re right... this is exhilarating!
At a distance we see the three of them engaging with different pool games; polo, volleyball, and whatnot. The visual switches to slow motion as Vlad sees Paulina jump up to spike the ball; picture perfect image of her small breasts barely jiggling. Skip forward - they’re out of the pool and wrapping up in towels.
REBEKAH
(looking at Vlad)
Unlike some people!
(looking at Paulina)
I averted my eyes, Vlad, when you got out of the pool.
PAULINA
Me! Oh, I totally looked.
(looking at Vlad)
And uh, yeah... you can see right through those boxer shorts!
VLAD
(unaffected happiness)
That was... sooo much fun!
REBEKAH
Totally!
We gotta do that again sometime.
PAULINA
For sure!
As Rebekah goes into the house to finish getting changed, Paulina walks over closer to Vlad.
PAULINA
(straight forward)
Walk her home!
VLAD
Yeah? You sure?
PAULINA
100%!
VLAD
Alright, let me grab my things.
PAULINA
Hey!
Just... take it slow with her.
VLAD
Ok... got it.
Skip forward to Vlad and Rebekah walking down the sidewalk after leaving Paulina’s house.
VLAD
I really needed that...
Put my head in an entirely different space.
REBEKAH
(nodding in agreement)
Oh, me too...
You have no idea!
VLAD
Did Paulina tell you we went golfing today?
REBEKAH
She did...
VLAD
It was fun!
(thinking)
I had an epiphany at the end of the round...
REBEKAH
Oh yeah, what was it?
VLAD
Well, when you hear people say, par for the course, as it applies to golf, they are talking about a level of excellence!
But under any other pretense, par for the course is level of mediocrity... at best!
REBEKAH
(a little laugh)
That’s an interesting observation.
(slight pause)
Paulina and I were supposed to golf last weekend, but my kid had a function at school.
VLAD
Oh really, what was it?
Like a play or something?
REBEKAH
Science fair.
VLAD
(eyes light up)
No kidding...
How did it go?
As Rebekah begins to explain, Vlad steps over her words.
VLAD
I won 1st place at the science fair when I was in the eighth grade.
Pretty much the only thing I’ve ever accomplished.
REBEKAH
(sideways laugh)
I’m sure you accomplished more than just that in your lifetime.
Before Vlad can elaborate further, Rebekah points to her house.
REBEKAH
Well, this is where I live.
Thanks for walking me.
Rebekah and Vlad lock eyes, Vlad goes in for a kiss.
REBEKAH
Whoa-whoa-whoa... Back up, tiger!
VLAD
(deer in headlights)
Oh, I... I thought there was a... like a vibe there.
REBEKAH
I’m married!
VLAD
(long agonizing pause)
Rebekah... I am... oh my god, I’m embarrassed...
I don’t know what I was thinking... Of course you’re married... please forgive me.
Wow, this is like...
REBEKAH
It’s fine, just... unexpected...
(smiling)
I mean... you were just in a pool with two women, one of which was half naked, so... I guess I get it.
No harm no foul.
VLAD
Ok...
(deep calculated breath)
Again, sorry about that.
(strange giggle)
REBEKAH
(patting his shoulder)
Thanks for walking me home.
Good night.
Scene ends with Vlad walking away holding his forehead.
27INT. VLAD’S APARTMENT, LATER THAT EVENING - NIGHT
Vlad is lying in bed, watching TV, eyes drifting off. There’s a pause, followed by a dream-like surrealism. Long flowing red hair whisking across his face, small boobs with almost no bounce to them, similar to the size and shape as the ones he saw splashing around in the pool earlier.
PAULINA
(dream whisper)
You ready for it?
(bouncing faster)
VLAD
(delusional)
What?
PAULINA
You want me to give it to you?
VLAD
(fuzzy)
Huh?
Paulina catapults from Vlad’s lap, all the way up to sitting on his face. From this angle, we only see the outside of her thigh and the upper part of her body.
PAULINA
(grinding his face)
Ahhh, there you go...
(semi demonic voice)
How do you like that big clit!
Vlad wakes from this nightmare in a state of sweat and disbelief. He springs forward in his bed with his hand clutching his chest, followed by panic breathing and talking to himself.
VLAD
(groggy voice)
Ugh, Frankie... you asshole...
(sitting all the way up)
I’m never gonna get that image out of my head!
Scene ends with Vlad stumbling out of bed, presumably on his way to the shower.
28INT. MENTAL HEALTH OFFICE LATER THAT WEEK - MORNING
Vlad and Zayna are mid conversation, discussing the events of the pool party.
ZAYNA
(surprised)
Skinny dipping with two women?
VLAD
Not skinny dipping...
My manager was topless, and the other woman, Rebekah, had a bikini on.
ZAYNA
Topless is skinny dipping! If she’s your manager, that’s crossing boundaries.
VLAD
Zayna, I’m trying to tell you about Rebekah, and you’re harping on me about Paulina.
(slight pause)
It was the best day of my life, hands down... ever!
ZAYNA
I understand that, but we have some outliers here that need to be addressed.
(sip of tea)
Let’s start with... at what point did you find yourself attracted to Rebekah?
VLAD
This is going to sound a little superficial, but... it’s when she stripped down to her bikini and was walking around the pool.
ZAYNA
Was it just visual, or did you feel something in your heart?
VLAD
Well, when she was in the pool looking back at me, we locked eyes, and that’s when I felt something inside... tingling sensation.
ZAYNA
You said earlier that Paulina was whispering in your ear.
VLAD
Yes, that was happening at the same time... very out of character for her.
At first, I just thought she was messing with me...
But like I said, she was a completely different person that day.
Strangely pleasant to be around.
ZAYNA
Vlad, is it possible that it was her voice that turned you on. And that Rebekah could have been any woman in a bikini?
(awaiting his response)
You said you felt a tingling sensation.
VLAD
I did, but that’s because
air from her lungs was going into my earhole!
That was a different kind of tingle.
ZAYNA
And shortly thereafter, you see Paulina’s bare breasts.
VLAD
Her back was turned to me when she jumped into the pool, but yes, when we were playing volleyball, her boobs would occasionally come out of the water.
ZAYNA
Are you able to describe her breasts for me?
VLAD
In terms of bra size, I have no idea. But, kind of small in size... firm... definitely real!
ZAYNA
Anything else?
VLAD
Well, because we were in the pool, you know... her nipples were...
ZAYNA
Did that arouse you?
VLAD
(tension)
Why are we talking about Paulina, when I’m trying to tell you about Rebekah!
Vlad becomes defensive and starts to breathe heavily.
VLAD
I was in a pool with two attractive women, so yes, there was a moment when I was aroused...
Jesus!
Zayna senses that Vlad’s uneasy, so she moves the conversation along.
ZAYNA
Let’s fast forward to when you were walking Rebekah home.
What prompted you to think that she would be receptive to a kiss?
VLAD
We were having engaging conversations, connecting with similar thoughts, making a lot of eye contact.
ZAYNA
When I asked you to describe Rebekah, the best you can tell me is blonde with blue eyes.
When I asked you to describe your conversations with her, the only thing you can remember is that her kid was in a science fair.
Instead of giving her an opportunity to tell you about the event, you told her how well you did at the science fair when you were a kid.
(long pause)
I’m trying to understand what provoked you to think that this was the time to go in for a kiss?
(awaiting his response)
A married woman, with a child, who according to you was in shambles over recent marital problems.
(no response)
Vlad... do you see where I’m going with this?
Vlad still doesn’t respond, eyes now red and watery.
ZAYNA
Vlad, we’re almost at time. I want to try something before you go.
(long pause)
I really want you to listen... and concentrate... on the sound... of my voice...
(another pause)
Take a slow... deep breath in... and then just let it out... and relax.
Scene ends with Zayna counting down from five to one, and then clicking her pen three times.
29INT. FAKKU CLOUD SERVICES - MORNING
Vlad returns to work that following Monday. A number of people come by his cubicle to welcome him back.
JACOB
Dude! Welcome back!
VLAD
Thanks...
Vlad sees Gavin walking over to see him.
VLAD
(semi laughing)
I’m not sure you’re supposed to be over on this side of the office.
GAVIN
(also laughing)
Oh, I think she and I are on good terms now.
Welcome back...
JACOB
Vlad, I gotta get back to my project, but let’s meet downstairs for lunch.
VLAD
Sure, sounds good.
GAVIN
If I can get out of my 12 o’clock meeting, I’ll meet up with you all.
As Gavin walks away, Vlad gets up from his cubicle and walks over to Paulina’s private office.
VLAD
(knocking on her door)
Hey, you got a sec?
PAULINA
(staring at her monitor)
Yeah, come on in.
Close the door.
VLAD
I know this isn’t the proper time to talk about it, but...
PAULINA
About what?
VLAD
Rebekah.
PAULINA
Oh, you mean the fact that you tried to kiss her and she rejected you?
VLAD
Unfortunately, yes...
How bad is it?
PAULINA
(casual)
It’s fine.
She actually thought it was sweet.
VLAD
Really? Because it was monumentally awkward at the time!
PAULINA
You can’t just go in for the kill like that.
she’s fragile!
VLAD
Yeah, that was a... major oversight on my part.
And now, of course, I have no idea how to approach her.
(thinking)
Do you have any suggestions, because I really like her.
PAULINA
You know what...
I’m meeting some friends after work on Friday at the town center, I’ll invite Rebekah.
It’s First-Friday, so there should be music and other outdoor activities.
Why don’t you see if Gavin and Frankie want to go...
That way when we run into you, it looks like you’re just out with the boys.
VLAD
(weird smile)
I thought you didn’t want me hanging out with them...
PAULINA
Gavin and I are on good terms now, mostly due to the fact that I was promoted, and now I’m his boss!
VLAD
(surprised)
What, really?
PAULINA
You obviously didn’t know that, you haven’t been at work in a while.
VLAD
Wow, congratulations!
PAULINA
Thank you...
I 100% deserved it.
Paulina gets up from her desk, walks over to her office door, looks out, does a quick scan of the cubicle area, shuts her door, and walks back to her desk.
PAULINA
Now that we’re on the subject...
I have to backfill my position; Jacob is in line for that promotion...
(talking low and slow)
You are working on a very important bill-of-materials for one of our largest clients. It’s imperative that all of the part numbers and quantities are correct.
(long pause)
You get what I’m saying?
Vlad looks up, and then looks to the righthand corner of the office, and then nods his head.
PAULINA
Alright, let’s get back to work.
Scene ends with Vlad walking out of Paulina’s office with a slight look of uncertainty.
30INT. KICKBOXING CLASS LATER THAT WEEK - EVENING
Same mat side scenario between Vlad and Gavin.
VLAD
Hey, what are you doing on Friday?
GAVIN
Nothing, what’s going on?
VLAD
Let’s go to First-Friday at the town center.
Supposedly, they have a lineup of bands and other activities.
GAVIN
(surprised)
Biggest drunk fest of the year!
I’m shocked that you would be interested in such a thing.
Gavin puts his hand on his hip and turns his head sideways.
GAVIN
This is about a girl, isn’t it?
Who is she?
(slight pause)
You meet her online?
(awaiting response)
Let me guess... you want me to go in case she doesn’t look like her profile pic... am I right?
(still no response)
Look, if she’s not willing to share a full length body-shot pic, it’s a hard no!
VLAD
(finally speaking up)
No, it’s nothing like that.
GAVIN
But it is about a girl, right?
VLAD
(long pause)
Can you keep a secret?
GAVIN
(full confidence)
Absolutely... not!
VLAD
Well, I’m gonna tell you anyway. But please try to keep this on the down low.
(slight pause)
Paulina has a friend...
GAVIN
Hold on, hold on, hold on...
The woman you despise more than anything in this whole world is hooking you up with one of her friends?
VLAD
Much in the way that you’ve patched things up with her, I’ve done the same.
And I dare say... now that she’s the boss... she’s somehow way nicer than she was before.
GAVIN
Boss of who?
VLAD
Boss of our entire division!
GAVIN
She’s not my boss!
VLAD
Well, then you better take a look at the org-chart, because there’s a big profile picture of her at the top of the page, and a little picture of you right underneath of her.
GAVIN
(half upset)
Oh, I’ll be getting that fixed tomorrow... you can best believe that!
VLAD
Gavin, I don’t think you understand...
Her new title is VP of Operations, which is a notch above your title.
How is it that you don’t know that?
Gavin shakes his head as if it’s not true, or unwilling to acknowledge.
VLAD
Point being, we’re all getting along, functioning well at work... and somewhat able to tolerate each other outside of work.
GAVIN
And now you got the hots for one of her friends, and you need me to be your wingman so you don’t screw it up.
VLAD
That’s not the exact words I would use... but you have no idea just how right you are!
(deep breath)
It’s a very delicate situation.
Husband recently left her... she’s not ready to let go... kind of thing.
GAVIN
Dude, let me give you some advice. If she’s still in love with her husband, it’s an impossible nut to crack.
VLAD
It’s not like that.
GAVIN
It’s not like that yet!
But eventually when things get hot and heavy, she’s gonna be thinking about him and hoping you do all the things he does!
Vlad shakes his head and grabs his duffle bag.
GAVIN
By the way, what does this woman look like?
VLAD
She’s the best looking woman in the world, bar none... and her body is second to none.
GAVIN
That good, huh?
VLAD
One... hundred... percent!
GAVIN
Alright, count me in.
Scene ends as Vlad and Gavin step onto the middle of the mat.
31EXT. TOWN CENTER - DUSK
Vlad, Gavin, and Frankie are walking across the street to where the music is playing.
FRANKIE
I get enough of Paulina at work, I don’t need to see her on the weekends as well.
GAVIN
Calm down, we’re here to check out this woman Vlad has the hots for.
FRANKIE
She got any friends?
GAVIN
Paulina is her friend, I just told you that.
FRANKIE
I’m saying... does Paulina’s friend have any friends!
GAVIN
Well, if she does, don’t scare them away.
The three men reach the outdoor stage as the first band is setting up.
GAVIN
There’s gotta be a beer truck around here somewhere.
Frankie points to the lefthand side of the stage.
GAVIN
Alright, I’m gonna get a beer; Frankie, what do you want?
FRANKIE
Whatever light beer they got.
GAVIN
Vlad, how bout you? You want some chocolate milk or something? Might be a wild night!
VLAD
No, I’m fine.
Vlad and Frankie watch as Gavin makes his way through the growing crowd.
VLAD
(looking at Frankie)
Are you going to join kickboxing or not?
FRANKIE
Yeah, yeah, yeah...
VLAD
Are you just saying that?
FRANKIE
I’m serious... next week.
I told Gavin I’m signing up!
(slight pause)
I’m gonna show El-Forma-Doblay my shuffle punch.
VLAD
(doubtful look)
Frankie, I gotta tell you...
Don’t fuck around with her on the mat.
It’s not shadow boxing!
She’s downright scary when she puts those gloves on.
FRANKIE
Dude, I know how she is!
VLAD
(shaking his head)
Don’t say I didn’t warn you!
(slight pause)
Also, this class is high energy, so... go light with whatever meal you eat before stepping onto that mat.
Side-eye look from Frankie as if he knows everything there is to know about kickboxing. Around the same time, Gavin returns with two draft beers.
GAVIN
What are you talking about?
VLAD
I was just telling Frankie that if he’s gonna join kickboxing, he needs to take it serious.
GAVIN
(looking at Frankie)
Ol’ El-Forma-Doblay gonna have a field day with yo’ ass!
Vlad spots Paulina and Rebekah at the beer truck.
VLAD
(poking Gavin and Frankie)
Alright, no more talk about El-Forma-Doblay!
GAVIN
Holy shit, is that Rebekah?
VLAD
Yeah.
GAVIN
Fuck! You weren’t kidding!
VLAD
She’s cute right... check out that little outfit she’s got on... with the white belt and everything.
(slight pause)
Frankie, please don’t say anything weird.
As Paulina and Rebekah approach, it becomes obvious that there is a third woman with them.
PAULINA
Gentlemen!
(slight pause)
Well, not you Frankie.
Frankie throws his hands up in the air, like WTH.
PAULINA
This is my friend, Rebekah...
(Rebekah waving)
Rebekah, this is Gavin Dolan and Frankie Marietti.
REBEKAH
Hi, nice to meet you.
PAULINA
And of course, you already know Vlad.
Rebekah reaches over and gives Vlad a friendly push on the shoulder.
PAULINA
I assume you guys already know Tammy from Human Resources?
Frankie steps up to Tammy with his hand over his heart.
FRANKIE
Actually, we never met in person.
(extending his hand)
Frankie Marietti, nice to meet you!
TAMMY
I’ve seen you around the office.
FRANKIE
(rambling)
Contrary to popular belief, I am in fact 100% Italian.
TAMMY
(laughing)
With all those gold chains around your neck... who knew!
Frankie puts his hands on his hips in a comical way.
PAULINA
(piling on)
For me, it’s that 80’s Goombah Camaro I see him driving from time to time.
GAVIN
80’s Camaro...
He doesn’t even own a car!
FRANKIE
(holding his hands up)
What is this... bust on Frankie day?
As everyone cracks up, except Frankie, Paulina looks out amongst the crowd.
PAULINA
Hey, the band is getting ready to start, let’s move a little closer to the stage.
They are seen from an elevated angle navigating through the crowd. Skip forward to the band playing, and everyone singing along and dancing.
VLAD
(loud)
I’ll be right back.
Going to grab a water.
PAULINA
Hey, can you get me one too!
REBEKAH
Vlad, can you get me a Mic Ultra!
I’ll pay you back.
Vlad stands there a minute, not sure how to respond. Rebekah picks up on it.
REBEKAH
I’ll just go with you.
(yelling back at everyone)
Anyone else want a beer?
Everyone is too focused on the band to acknowledge, so Rebekah points at Vlad to lead the way. At the beer truck, they stand in line and wait their turn.
REBEKAH
Paulina told me that you’re a recovering alcoholic...
VLAD
It’s not unusual for me to purchase drinks for other people. It’s not like I’m on the verge of caving in.
(uncomfortable giggle)
I was more concerned about you, actually. One drink, equals two drinks, equals twenty drinks... kind of thing.
REBEKAH
(laughing)
Paulina is driving, so I’m definitely gonna get my drink on tonight.
Twenty drinks...
(giggling)
I can’t think of the last time I had more than three drinks.
Caught by surprise, Vlad turns his head towards her.
VLAD
What? How many?
REBEKAH
I’m saying two-three beers typically gets it done for me.
VLAD
(confused)
You’ve never had more than three drinks in your entire life?
REBEKAH
Well... in college I got wasted a few times, but... that’s about it.
Now at the front of the line, Vlad placing his order.
VLAD
Mic Ultra and a bottle of water.
FOOD TRUCK GUY
That will be ten dollars.
After Vlad pays the food truck guy, he and Rebekah walk back to where their friends are standing.
VLAD
So... in the last... I don’t know, month, let’s say... you haven’t over indulged or felt like maybe you had a little too much to drink?
REBEKAH
(oddly looking at Vlad)
This is probably the first beer I’ve had in six months!
(awkward stare)
Did you think I was a raging alcoholic or something?
VLAD
No, no! I just... you know... trying to gauge what type of drinker you are.
REBEKAH
(still an awkward stare)
I’m a lightweight... I can assure you of that!
VLAD
(stumbling words)
Good... that’s... good to know.
Walking a few more steps, Rebekah stops before they reach their friends.
REBEKAH
Hey look... the other night...
I told Paulina about it...
But I also told her that you were a total gentleman about the whole thing.
VLAD
I appreciate you saying that; I spoke to her as well...
REBEKAH
Water under the bridge?
VLAD
For sure!
Re-grouping with their friends. Gavin pulls Vlad aside.
GAVIN
Looks like things are going good between you and Rebekah.
VLAD
Pretty good, yeah.
Why, are you leaving?
GAVIN
My girlfriend and her friends are over at Bear-Chase.
I’m gonna go meet up with them.
VLAD
No problem, do your thing, I’ll just have Paulina drop me back off at the office, so that I can get my car.
GAVIN
Cool, have a nice weekend.
(sneaky grin)
Hope everything works out!
FRANKIE
Yo-yo-yo, where you going.
GAVIN
Going to see Susanne.
FRANKIE
How am I gonna get home?
GAVIN
It’s called... an UBER!
Scene ends as Gavin walks away. View is from behind as the rest of the group sings and dances to the band music.
32EXT. PAULINA’S HOUSE A FEW HOURS LATER - NIGHT
Paulina pulls into the driveway. She, Rebekah, and Vlad exit the car and are walking towards the front door, laughing and carrying on.
PAULINA
Did you see the look on Frankie’s face when Tammy said she wouldn’t give him a ride home?
REBEKAH
(snickering)
I don’t know him that well, so I shouldn’t laugh at that, but... oh my god that was funny.
VLAD
What’s funny is that he doesn’t have the Uber app, nor any other ride share app on his phone.
REBEKAH
How is that possible in this day and age?
PAULINA
(unlocking the door)
That comes as no surprise to me, knowing the way Frankie operates.
Walking into the house, down the foyer.
PAULINA
Vlad, I just need to let the dog out real quick, and then I’ll give you a ride back to the office.
VLAD
Hey, I’m in no hurry.
PAULINA
Ok, well, hang out then.
Should be some bottled water in the fridge, make yourself at home.
Vlad and Rebekah walk into the living room and sit on the couch.
REBEKAH
I can’t get over how awesome that band was!
VLAD
Yeah, and how do you memorize all of those songs. That was like... 90’s music!
REBEKAH
We were lucky to have that spot near the stage.
When we got ready to leave, there was easily a thousand people standing behind us.
Paulina enters the living room with a deck of cards in her hand.
PAULINA
Who’s up for a game of cards?
Only 3 of us, but we can still play rummy or down-the-river.
VLAD
Yeah, I’m up for a game.
REBEKAH
Aside from playing AssHole in college, I don’t know a single card game.
PAULINA
I’ll teach you rummy, it’s super easy.
Well, easy to learn, hard to win.
Fast forward, the situation is seen from a distance, laughing, dealing cards, and enjoying each other’s company.
PAULINA
(Peeking at her phone)
Where did the time go!
REBEKAH
(now looking at her phone)
Oh my god, it’s two o’clock in the morning!
PAULINA
Vlad, I venture to say that it’s too late for me to take you back to the office.
You’re more than welcome to crash in the spare bedroom.
REBEKAH
(standing up)
I definitely have to go home.
Way past my bedtime!
VLAD
(smiling at Rebekah)
I’m reluctant to say this, but... can I walk you to your house?
REBEKAH
This is a safe neighborhood, I think I’ll be alright.
VLAD
Be that as it may, I would like a second opportunity to walk you home properly.
REBEKAH
Ok...
VLAD
Paulina, I’ll be right back, don’t lock me out.
Vlad and Rebekah are once again walking down the sidewalk to her house.
VLAD
This is the second time I’ve been around you and Paulina... and I gotta say, I don’t think I’ve ever had more fun.
REBEKAH
Me too!
Even though I didn’t win a single card game, I really enjoyed it.
VLAD
I’m glad that I’m getting to know you in this fashion.
REBEKAH
What do you mean by that?
VLAD
I don’t know... a man meeting a woman in a non-formalized way...
REBEKAH
(semi understanding)
Well, you’re a great guy, and I’m happy to have met you.
Walking up to the front porch of the house.
VLAD
(joking manner)
Do you need me to come inside and check for intruders?
REBEKAH
(laughing, not laughing)
I’m sure my husband took care of that when he got home.
VLAD
(expression changing)
Your husband is home right now?
REBEKAH
Yes, why wouldn’t he be?
VLAD
(stunned)
Uhh... I knew that you were married, but... I thought that you were separated.
REBEKAH
Separated!
Why would you think that?
VLAD
I don’t know...
REBEKAH
Oh, so that’s why you tried to kiss me last time.
VLAD
Yes!
REBEKAH
Look, I don’t fault you for not knowing, but let me set the record straight!
Been happily married for 14 years. My husband and I could not be more in love than we are right now.
(slight pause)
We good on that?
It is clear on Vlad’s face that he is beyond pissed at Paulina for lying to him about Rebekah’s situation. But he responds very calmly.
VLAD
Yeah, for sure.
REBEKAH
Alright... good night, Vlad.
VLAD
Good night...
As Rebekah enters her house, Vlad is running full speed back to Paulina’s house, fuming mad. He rounds her driveway, onto the front porch, and up to the front door.
VLAD
(twisting the door handle)
Fuck!
(yelling)
Paulina, open this door right now!
Vlad begins pounding his fist on the door.
VLAD
Open this goddamn door!
House across the street, the front porch light comes on.
VLAD
I’m not joking around Paulina!
Vlad begins kicking the door with his foot.
VLAD
(top of his lungs)
Open this fucking door!
Another house across the street turns their front porch light on. Paulina eventually opens the window from her bedroom.
PAULINA
Vlad, what in God’s name are you doing? Waking up the entire neighborhood!
More porch lights from other neighbors turn on.
VLAD
(screaming at her)
You lied to me, you deceived me, and you did it deliberately to humiliate me for your own demented pleasures!
There’s continual back and forth bickering until the Police show up. Paulina closes the window and runs downstairs to meet the officer.
POLICE OFFICER
(approaching Vlad)
What’s going on here? You live here?
VLAD
(frustrated)
I was here earlier, I was supposed to spend the night, I left for a few minutes, I come back and the door is locked... with my phone inside.
Paulina unlocks the door and walks out onto the porch.
POLICE OFFICER
Ma’am, do you live here?
PAULINA
Yes.
POLICE OFFICER
We received a bunch of calls, reporting a disturbance.
PAULINA
This man, Vlad... well, that’s not his real name but... anyhow, we were out with friends, we came back here. It was late, I told him that he could stay the night in one of the spare bedrooms. He walked one of my girlfriends back to her house, which is just down the street. I assumed they hooked up, so I locked the door and went to bed.
VLAD
(at the top of his lungs)
You knew goddamn well that she and I weren’t going to hook up!
(finger in Paulina’s face)
Another police office arrives on the scene, runs up onto the porch to provide assistance. He pulls Vlad aside.
SECOND OFFICER
You been drinking?
VLAD
(head tilted)
For fuck’s sake, no!
SECOND OFFICER
Look, you need to calm down.
(slight pause)
You involved with this woman or what?
VLAD
(starting to calm down)
She’s my boss...
(hand over his eyes)
She’s trying to destroy my life.
I don’t know how else to say it.
SECOND OFFICER
That doesn’t give you the right to cause all this commotion. The neighbors are trying to sleep...
Some of which probably have jobs tomorrow.
VLAD
She locked me out of her house on purpose... knowing that I needed my phone.
The second police officer walks over to the first police officer who is still taking Paulina’s statement.
SECOND OFFICER
(talking quietly)
I think this is just a misunderstanding.
If he can just get his phone from inside the house, he’ll be on his way.
Paulina looks over at Vlad, who is now sitting cross-legged on the lawn.
PAULINA
(high volume)
Vlad! Where’s your phone?
VLAD
(yelling back)
On the couch!
Paulina runs inside, and then runs back outside and hands Vlad’s phone to the officers.
PAULINA
Hey, I’m truly sorry about this...
My neighbors are never gonna look at me the same.
SECOND OFFICER
No problem ma’am.
FIRST OFFICER
Is it ok if we stay with him until he secures a ride home?
PAULINA
No problem...
Do you need me for anything else?
FIRST OFFICER
No ma’am.
PAULINA
Good night, officers.
Second officer walks over to Vlad and hands him his phone.
SECOND OFFICER
Can you call an Uber or someone you know to come pick you up?
Scene ends as Vlad continues to sit in the front yard and scroll through his phone.
33INT. MENTAL HEALTH OFFICE MONDAY - MORNING
ZAYNA
Oh, so now you’re gonna stop going to work... again!
VLAD
(frustrated)
How can I go back to work after that?
She deliberately and purposefully made up this entire story about Rebekah to not only see me fail, but to also bask in the glory of my humiliation!
ZAYNA
(deflecting)
You’re lucky you’re not sitting in jail right now.
VLAD
Do you have any advice for me or not?
ZAYNA
(frustrated)
Vlad, put the pieces of the puzzle together...
Where was Rebekah’s husband when you were swimming?
Why wasn’t he with her at the town center?
Did she even look at her phone once while you were playing cards until two in the morning?
Think about it!
You made an idiotic comment about checking her house for intruders...
Do you have any idea how creepy that is?
Of course she’s gonna tell you that her husband is home and everything is fine!
VLAD
(long pause)
How come it seems like each session just keeps getting worse?
ZAYNA
Peeling back the onion...
It has to get worse before it can get better.
(closer to Vlad’s ear)
Once again, I’m going to count down from five to one. And with each number I count down to, I want you to go ten times deeper, more comfortable in your body... and ten times deeper in your mind.
Scene ends with Zayna clicking her pen and telling Vlad to take a slow, deep breath in.
34INT. DENTIST OFFICE LATER THAT DAY - AFTERNOON
Typical scenario with Vlad sitting back in the dental chair. The assistant is prepping the tray for his gum treatment when Dr. Mimslyn enters the room.
DR. MIMSLYN
Marcellus... what’s new?
VLAD
That’s a good question.
DR. MIMSLYN
How’s your mouth?
VLAD
Sore.
DR. MIMSLYN
Are you wearing your mouthguard at night?
VLAD
I’m trying to...
DR. MIMSLYN
You’re putting the numbing gel in the mouthguard first, right?
VLAD
Yes, but, it wears off in a couple of hours, and then I can’t go back to bed.
DR. MIMSLYN
Alright, open up, lets take a look.
With his mouth open, Vlad points to a picture on the wall of Dr. Mimslyn on the set of a Hollywood movie.
DR. MIMSLYN
That was a few years back, some vampire series for Netflix. One of the extras had an allergic reaction to the temporary prosthetics, so we hooked him up with porcelain ones
VLAD
So, in a sense... real fangs?
DR. MIMSLYN
Crowns... but sure.
VLAD
Does that person still, you know... have them?
DR. MIMSLYN
(quick laugh)
No... we reversed the process as soon as they were done filming the series.
Vlad looks up at the ceiling, in deep thought you could say.
DR. MIMSLYN
Believe me, it was no picnic for the actor.
Mouth sores, drinking through a straw for six weeks. He couldn’t wait to get back to his normal teeth.
VLAD
I would totally do that...
(thinking)
If I were in that TV series, I would absolutely get that done, no question about it.
(deeper thought)
And there would be no reversing the process afterwards!
(slight pause)
That much I know for sure.
We don’t see inside Vlad’s mouth from this angle, but we do see Dr. Mimslyn approaching Vlad’s mouth with the gum treatment syringe.
35INT. FAKKU CLOUD SERVICES, MONDAY - MORNING
Vlad knocks on Paulina’s office door.
PAULINA
Come in.
VLAD
Hey, I want to apologize for how I acted on Friday.
Paulina doesn’t acknowledge, so Vlad changes the subject to work related matters.
VLAD
The bill of materials is complete, and ready for tomorrow’s presentation.
Hearing no response, Vlad turns and begins to exit her office.
PAULINA
(staring at her monitor)
You kicked a dent in my front door...
As soon as I get an estimate, I’m going to send you the bill.
VLAD
Understood.
Fast forward to the deli on the first floor at lunch time. Vlad, Gavin, and Frankie are in line picking out sandwiches.
GAVIN
Dude! How did it go with Rebekah on Friday?
VLAD
Disastrous.
GAVIN
How is that possible, you two looked like you were really hitting it off.
VLAD
For better or worse, she’s a married woman. Until that officially changes... I’m out.
FRANKIE
You better hope you’re the first person she calls when she does become officially single!
A chick that looks like that... she ain’t gonna be on the market long.
VLAD
(sideways stare)
I heard Tammy rejected you the other night.
Mind you, she’s our HR manager!
GAVIN
(slightly raised voice)
I’ll do you one better... she’s also a lesbian!
FRANKIE
I thought maybe she wanted to try the dark side for once.
VLAD
Frankie, how’d you get home?
GAVIN
(intervenes)
His MOM picked him up.
(slight pause)
Grown-ass man calling his mom at eleven o’clock at night to come pick him up.
Gavin pays the register woman for his sandwich, and at the same time continues to scold Frankie for his behavior.
GAVIN
I want you to explain to me how you thought that was gonna work out.
(awaiting response)
Let’s just say that Tammy did give you a ride home...
(slight pause)
What were you going to do?
Ask her up to your ransacked apartment for a quickie!
(slight pause)
Is that how you planned it in your head?
FRANKIE
Hey look, that’s the vibe she was giving me!
GAVIN
The vibe... pfff!
Let me tell you something...
In the off chance that Tammy enjoys penis now and again...
She takes one look at your ugly dick... she’s gonna run for the hills!
FRANKIE
(upset)
Why are you freaking out on me?
GAVIN
Because we gotta work with her!
And now she’s gonna avoid me, just to avoid you!
The three men have paid for their sandwiches, and are now walking towards the elevator.
VLAD
Now that we got that out of the way...
Frankie... any chance you're coming to kickboxing tonight?
They walk into the elevator and turn around.
FRANKIE
(tense)
I’ll be there...
I know someone who needs their ass kicked!
GAVIN
(hard stare at Frankie)
You don’t want that...
State of mind I’m in right now, believe me, you don’t want that!
Scene ends as the elevator door closes. Fast forward, closer towards the end of the work day. Vlad enters Paulina’s office.
VLAD
You wanted to see me?
PAULINA
Yeah...
I went home for lunch and now I can’t open my front door. The lock and hinge are all jacked up.
Vlad puts his hands on his hips and lowers his head.
VLAD
I’m sorry.
PAULINA
Yeah, well, sorry isn’t good enough.
(typing on her laptop)
I arranged to have a locksmith at my house between 5 and 6.
I have a meeting at that time, so I need you to be there when they show up.
VLAD
Today?
PAULINA
(raised voice)
Yes, today!
VLAD
(reluctant)
I’ve got kickboxing at 6.
PAULINA
(slamming her laptop)
Well isn’t that ironic!
No wonder my door’s fucked up!
(standing position)
You’re gonna jump in that shitty car of yours and drive over to my house to meet the locksmith. And if it takes him all night to fix it, then you’ll be out there watching him all night!
Paulina leaves Vlad standing there as she walks past him, out into the main office area, and proceeds to her next meeting. On the way, she passes Gavin walking the opposite direction. She shouts to him with her back turned.
PAULINA
He’s not going to kickboxing tonight!
Gavin makes his way over to Vlad’s cubicle.
GAVIN
How did you manage to get her pissed off again?
VLAD
Unrelated to work...
I don’t want to get into it.
Scene ends as Gavin walks away and Vlad closes his laptop.
36EXT. PAULINA'S HOUSE - DUSK
Vlad is sitting on the stoop as the locksmith works on the door.
LOCKSMITH
This hinge is bent...
which is why the deadbolt won’t line up.
I’m gonna have to take the entire door off.
VLAD
Really?
The entire door has to come off to fix the deadbolt?
LOCKSMITH
Yep, see for yourself.
VLAD
(rubbing his temples)
I’ll take your word for it.
(slight pause)
How long do you think it’s gonna take?
LOCKSMITH
Should only take a couple of hours.
VLAD
(voice raised)
A couple of hours?
LOCKSMITH
It’s not just the hinges!
I’m gonna have to hew out the door frame for a new deadbolt receiver.
(slight pause)
What happened here, did someone try to break in?
Vlad doesn’t respond. Fast forward a few hours. Paulina arrives just as the locksmith is finishing up.
PAULINA
How we looking?
LOCKSMITH
Almost done.
I’ll be honest, I ain’t never seen a door twisted up as bad as this one.
PAULINA
(pointing at Vlad)
That’s my assailant... right there!
The locksmith looks at Vlad with a strange admiration.
LOCKSMITH
Really? You did this... damn!
VLAD
(shaking his head)
Please... just give me the bill and be done with this.
Fast forward to where the locksmith is packing up his van. Paulina is seen opening and closing the door, checking the lock mechanism.
PAULINA
Vlad, I have the tea pot going...
Would you like a cup?
From his seated position on the porch, he looks back at Paulina with an exhausted look on his face.
VLAD
Sure...
Paulina returns seconds later with a cup of tea and hands it to Vlad. She then sits down on the stoop of the porch beside him.
PAULINA
(sincere)
Vlad, the more time I’ve had to think about this, the more I’ve concluded that you need to take control over your destiny.
VLAD
(sip of tea)
Why are you telling me this?
PAULINA
Because I want you to excel at life.
AA meetings, kickboxing, golf, fishing... It’s a bit much!
Maybe try narrowing your field of vision a little bit.
Find something that you can really sink your teeth into.
VLAD
I’m so incredibly lost right now. I don’t know what’s real, and what isn’t real.
PAULINA
You’re lost because you have too many outside influences.
Too many voices in your head.
(slight pause)
Let me give you some real world advice.
There’s no such thing as collaboration, and there’s never a win-win situation.
It’s just you on your trajectory.
That’s all life is... period!
PAULINA
(moving closer to Vlad)
I was lucky, had a mentor... college professor.
He sat me down one day and explained everything.
He said, nobody takes a step up, until someone takes a step down first.
And if you gotta throw someone down an entire flight of stairs to get what you want, then that’s what you gotta do.
VLAD
(concerned look)
That’s a bit extreme... but I think I understand the metaphor.
Vlad starts to look around. Looking left, and then right. Looking up at different angles.
VLAD
(setting his cup down)
What’s going on... I’m starting to feel dizzy.
Paulina scoots even closer to Vlad and puts her lips up to his ear.
PAULINA
(whisper)
You’re about to take a step down!
Vlad’s visual comprehension becomes psychedelic; almost like looking through a kaleidoscope.
VLAD
(breathing slows)
Paulina... what have you done?
Skip forward to Paulina’s bedroom minutes later. While still in a state of mind-bending illusions, Vlad somehow channels his vision to see Paulina on top of him, bouncing up and down with her bare boobs in his face. The audio is mostly muted, with the exception of the sound of his breath and unusual deep voice.
VLAD
Am I dying!
PAULINA
(whispering)
Not yet!
As Vlad approaches what could be an orgasm in the making, he sees Paulina open her mouth and display an otherwise perfect set of pearly white teeth, to include a pair of incisors that are over an inch long and icepick sharp. Again, most of what Vlad can hear are amplified sounds of his own breath.
VLAD
Don’t... please don’t.
As Paulina lowers her head to the side of Vlad’s neck, his left eye and her left eye are laser focused on each other.
VLAD
I don’t want to die...
Scene ends as Paulina opens her mouth extra wide and sinks her fangs into Vlad’s jugular vein.
37INT. MENTAL HEALTH OFFICE THE NEXT DAY - MORNING
ZAYNA
That is the most absurd thing I’ve ever heard!
This is a woman that runs an entire corporate business... and you’re gonna sit there and tell me that she roofied you!
(slight pause)
And then bit you in the neck?
What is she, a vampire!
VLAD
Yes...
ZAYNA
Vlad, for crying out loud, stop it!
Stop this nonsense, right now!
VLAD
I’m telling you the truth.
ZAYNA
(clicking her pen)
She didn’t roofie your tea...
She didn’t bite your neck...
And she’s not trying to ruin your life...
This is all in your head...
Scene ends with Zayna sitting behind Vlad with her head down in disappointment. Vlad, lying back on the psych chair seems far too calm with respect to the allegations he’s made. The Band-Aid on his neck is not very believable.
38INT. FAKKU CLOUD SERVICES THE NEXT DAY- MORNING
Gavin comes by Vlad’s cubicle and notices the Band-Aid on his neck.
GAVIN
Cut yourself shaving, or covering up a hickey?
VLAD
Curling iron.
GAVIN
(laughing)
That’s what the girls used to say in my middle school.
(changing the topic)
Dude, you do not even want to know what happened last night...
VLAD
Oh yeah, what happened?
GAVIN
Frankie’s kickboxing debut... Funniest thing you’ve ever seen. Actually, it wasn’t funny, which makes it so funny.
This is a flashback scenario from the night before. We see Frankie enter the gym wearing red, white, and blue boxing shorts and signing the Rocky theme. All the people working at the gym shaking their heads. He steps onto the mat and calls out El-Forma-Doblay.
FRANKIE
(comical)
Yo El, you wanna piece of me.
El-Forma-Doblay, while doubled over with laughter agrees to go a soft round with Frankie. Her back is mostly to viewing spectrum and everyone is watching as she gingerly slips and ducks all of Frankie’s initial punches. As such, the one and only tiny jab she throws hits Frankie in the belly. At first, it looks like he shakes it off with a simple grimace, but the next thing you know, he’s throwing up all over the mat. And not just some little upchuck. We’re talking full Thanksgiving type meal. Flash forward to FAKKU and Gavin talking about it to Vlad.
VLAD
(shocked)
All over the mat?
GAVIN
They had to bring out the mop, the bucket, the whole thing!
VLAD
Oh, for the love of God!
GAVIN
The class hadn’t even started.
They told us to just go home and come back next week.
VLAD
No way!
GAVIN
Yep... it was a show!
VLAD
How does he not know that you’re not supposed to eat a full meal before working out?
GAVIN
Hey, that’s Frankie for you.
VLAD
I get what you’re saying; it was funny, but I’m glad I wasn’t there.
(heebie-jeebies)
GAVIN
(changing the subject)
Dude, Paulina is gonna be in California all next week!
I say we go golfing Monday!
VLAD
(shaking his head no)
Nope!
She will find out and literally kill me.
GAVIN
She’s in meetings with Hishimoto all week. There’s no way she’s gonna have time to check in on us.
All we got to do is get an early tee time, and be back in the office by noon.
VLAD
Absolutely not, no way!
GAVIN
She’s not gonna find out!
Just be at Brambleton Golf Course by 7:30.
Scene ends with Vlad shaking his head, no.
39EXT. BRAMBLETON GOLF COURSE, MONDAY - MORNING
Gavin, Frankie, Jacob, and Vlad are at the fourth tee waiting for other golfers to clear the fairway.
GAVIN
(animated laugh)
Oh my God, Jacob, you should have seen Frankie last week at Kickboxing.
El-Forma-Doblay... one punch showstopper!
JACOB
Why am I not surprised?
Gavin hysterically screams out her name.
GAVIN
El-Forma-Doblay!
JACOB
By the way, why do you call her that?
GAVIN
(loud)
Because she’s the formidable one when she steps out onto the kickboxing mat!
VLAD
In terms of punching and kicking... that’s an understatement.
FRANKIE
I’m telling you right now...
She pulls that bullshit again, she’s gonna get a rap across the mouth!
GAVIN
I’d like to see you try that!
In fact, I’ll pay you to try that!
Vlad’s phone rings.
VLAD
Oh no!
GAVIN
What?
VLAD
It’s her!
GAVIN
Don’t answer!
VLAD
She wants to FaceTime!
GAVIN
Fuck that, don’t do it!
VLAD
She just sent me a text, she knows we’re golfing. I gotta accept.
Vlad opens the video browser on his phone and immediately sees Paulina sitting in a chair at a conference table.
PAULINA
Vlad... point your phone at Gavin so he can see my fucking face!
Reluctantly and slowly, Vlad turns his phone towards Gavin.
PAULINA
(angry tone)
Gavin, help me to understand just how stupid you are...
(even louder)
Tee time reservations under the company name? Are you fucking retarded?
You didn’t think I was going to get an email confirmation?
Paulina asks Vlad to turn his phone towards himself.
PAULINA
(much softer tone)
What hole are you on?
VLAD
Fourth.
PAULINA
You can finish out the front nine, but then I need you all to return to the office.
There’s going to be an all-hands call at 11:30.
I have a few announcements to make.
VLAD
Ok... yes, I’ll make sure we’re back at the office by then.
PAULINA
(still calm)
Thank you.
(slight pause)
Point the phone at Frankie.
(not so calm)
Vlad turns his phone toward Frankie so that he can see Paulina’s face.
PAULINA
Alongside the fact that you suck at golf... you also suck at your job!
Frankie points to himself as if he’s not sure she’s talking to him.
PAULINA
Maybe instead of you and Gavin giving each other handjobs back at the office, you might try spending more time at the data center overseeing our technicians.
Paulina hangs up without saying goodbye.
FRANKIE
(looking at Gavin)
So... does that mean we are allowed to keep playing?
GAVIN
She said we can finish the front nine.
JACOB
If that’s the case, I’m gonna go ahead and tee up!
Vlad points his driver at Frankie.
VLAD
If you think about it, she just gave you permission to not be in the office. You might want to take advantage of that!
Scene ends as Jacob takes a nice swing at the ball.
JACOB
Look at that! Straight down the middle of the fairway.
40INT. FAKKU CLOUD SERVICES, TWO HOURS LATER - NOON
The staff is in the conference room, Gavin dials in Paulina and puts her on the main monitor screen.
PAULINA
Hey everyone...
If you got the memo, we are moving forward with three new data halls in the IAD region.
(applause)
To scale accordingly, there will be changes in leadership.
First and foremost, Tammy Cardinal will be cross functional between HR and Finance.
And Vlad Stone, some of you know him as Marcellus... he will be taking over my old position as procurement manager.
Focus is on Jacob as he looks around the conference table in disbelief and bewilderment.
JACOB
What?
As Paulina starts to speak again, Jacob locks eyes with Vlad.
JACOB
(disrupting the meeting)
Whoa-whoa-whoa! Did she just say that YOU are the new Procurement Manager?
Paulina pauses her speech as Jacob stands up from his chair and storms out of the conference room.
PAULINA
Obviously, this news isn’t ideal for everyone, but change is inevitable.
Scene ends as everyone is exiting the conference room; Vlad sees Jacob storming out of the office with all of his personal items in a cardboard box.
41INT. MENTAL HEALTH OFFICE - DAY
ZAYNA
Less than four weeks in this new position, no previous experience, and now she’s promoting you to one of the highest positions in your division?
(sip of tea)
How would you feel if I were to simply say that I don’t believe you?
VLAD
(baffled and thinking)
It was announced during an all-hands conference call... it’s for real. Over 100 people heard the announcement.
I’ll be glad to give you their contact info so that you can validate.
ZAYNA
Doesn’t answer my question.
VLAD
How does that not answer your question?
ZAYNA
I’m saying... how do you emotionally feel when I say that I don’t believe you?
VLAD
Well, shitty of course!
You’re either calling me a liar, or you’re calling me insane.
ZAYNA
Vlad, I’m guessing when you return to work tomorrow, you’ll be sitting in your same cubicle.
VLAD
Well, not tomorrow, but as soon as Paulina moves into her new office, I’ll get her old office.
ZAYNA
How is it that she doesn’t already have the biggest office in your suite?
(awaiting a response)
Do you actually work at this place?
Or are you just making all of this up?
(still no response)
Alright, we’re at time.
Vlad sits up in the psych chair, Zayna walks over to the filing cabinet behind her desk and pulls out a manila envelope. Vlad turns around as if he has something to say, but never says it.
ZAYNA
(with her back to Vlad)
My next patient is in the waiting room; I’ll see you next week... or not.
Scene ends as Vlad walks out of the office.
42INT. FAKKU CLOUD SERVICES, END OF THE WEEK - AFTERNOON
Vlad is at his same cubicle when he gets a video Slack message from Paulina.
VLAD
Hey...
PAULINA
I’m landing at Dulles in 30 minutes. I need you to pick me up from the airport.
(giggling)
What happened to your neck?
VLAD
Do you really want to get into that right now?
PAULINA
(still giggling)
I’m gonna go with curling iron!
Vlad shakes his head while trying to steady the video call.
VLAD
Where are you at?
PAULINA
(confused look)
I’m in a plane... where else would I be?
VLAD
No-no-no, I meant like... what state are you flying over?
PAULINA
(more confused look)
I have no fucking idea!
You want me to look out the window and see if I can spot a landmark?
View is from inside the airplane as Paulina can feel the guy next to her staring. She puts her hand over the phone and addresses this unknown seat mate.
PAULINA
(low eyebrows)
Can I help you?
Unknown seat mate faces forward and minds his own business. Paulina turns her attention back to Vlad.
PAULINA
I’m landing in 30 minutes, can you be there or not?
VLAD
Yeah, I’ll be there.
PAULINA
Good!
Scene ends as Paulina ends the video call abruptly.
43EXT. DULLES AIRPORT, 30 MINUTES LATER - DUSK
As Vlad pulls his car up to the arrival lanes at the airport, he’s sees Paulina at the curb, pointing at him, and then pointing to her watch. As he steers his car over to where she’s standing, he notices that she doesn’t have any sizable luggage.
PAULINA
I’ve been standing here for 15 minutes.
VLAD
I circled the airport a few times thinking you might be waiting on your luggage.
PAULINA
(stepping into the car)
Nope!
(patting her backpack)
This is all I got.
VLAD
(driving away)
You were gone for a week... that’s all you took?
PAULINA
(staring out the window)
Yep.
VLAD
(further down the road)
I assume you got your laptop in there... what about clothes?
PAULINA
(turning her head)
Why are you so interested in my travel habits?
VLAD
I don’t know, just... something to talk about while we’re driving.
PAULINA
(delayed response)
One laptop, one pair of black slacks, one grey shirt, four pairs of underwear, four pairs of socks, and a small makeup case.
VLAD
(tiny giggle)
No bra?
PAULINA
(cupping her boobs)
One bra... I’m wearing it.
VLAD
(thinking)
I get the one pair of pants, but... just one shirt?
PAULINA
In a room full of slant-eyes, they have no idea if I’m wearing the same shirt every day.
VLAD
(further down the road)
Do you consider yourself a racist?
PAULINA
What is this... twenty questions?
VLAD
(subtle)
Are you?
PAULINA
No!
(slight pause)
I just hired that towel-head that sits across from you.
VLAD
(embarrassed laugh)
Our office has great diversity, so thank you for that. But sometimes your words...
PAULINA
(looking up)
Am I spreading hate, is that it?
VLAD
Well...
PAULINA
Really?
(long pause)
I have a scenario for you, hear me out...
It’s hypothetical, so don’t get your panties in a bunch.
We’re driving down this road, I, for no reason, call you a fag.
The next day... you turn gay.
(small breath)
Haven’t I done a good service for the gay community?
(awaiting response)
You’re reasonably tall... mildly handsome...
I’m more than certain the gays will embrace you, and they will thank me for handing you over!
VLAD
There’s zero logic to that scenario.
PAULINA
I said it was hypothetical!
VLAD
(slightly raised voice)
That doesn’t matter!
(long pause)
There are words and certain expressions, that even between two people, cause erectable harm...
PAULINA
(cutting him off)
Whoa-whoa-whoa, did you just say, erectable? Oh my god, I think I just converted you.
VLAD
(loud)
Irreparable!
(another long pause)
Verbalization of anything that minimizes a culture of people, eventually becomes commonplace in the subconscious decisions that we make as a nation of people.
PAULINA
(laughing)
Aside from the fact that I have no idea what you just said...
You missed my turn!
(pointing behind her)
Mulberry street is back that way.
Vlad makes a u-turn, minutes later, turning into her driveway.
VLAD
(slower funny talk style)
I would offer to help you with your luggage, but...
PAULINA
(long pause and stare)
Do you want to come inside?
VLAD
(adjusting eyebrows)
What?
PAULINA
You heard me.
VLAD
Uhh... you’re not gonna roofie me again... are you?
PAULINA
(laughing)
You wish I would!
(slight pause)
No strings attached...
(awaiting response)
Long plane ride...
Just looking for a little stress relief.
VLAD
What about the other thing?
PAULINA
(grabbing her backpack)
What other thing?
(no response)
You coming inside or not?
Vlad engages the emergency brake and removes the key from the ignition. Skip forward to Vlad and Paulina in bed. Once again, she’s on top, and he’s staring off into the abyss. Similar to their previous encounter, Vlad only makes eye contact at the point of orgasm. As such, Paulina rips the Band-Aid from his neck and sinks her teeth in.
44INT. MENTAL HEALTH OFFICE - DAY
As usual, Vlad is slightly laid back in the psych chair with Zayna sitting in her chair behind him.
ZAYNA
What’s with the sunglasses?
VLAD
It’s bright outside.
ZAYNA
Well, it’s not bright in here!
(slight pause)
Also, it looks like the Band-Aid on your neck is bigger.
(slight pause)
Let me guess... your vampire boss bit you again?
VLAD
Yep, that’s exactly right.
ZAYNA
(smirk)
My favorite part of your story is her having this incredible urge to have sex after a grueling 5-hour work flight from California.
(slight pause)
Me personally... when I step off of a plane, the only thing I want to do is stretch my legs and maybe relax for a bit.
VLAD
I’m telling you that’s what happened!
If you don’t want to believe it, I don’t know what to say.
ZAYNA
Take the Band-Aid off and let me see where she bit you.
VLAD
I can’t.
It’ll start bleeding again, I’m wearing a white shirt, and I have to go back to work.
I assure you that there are puncture holes in my neck.
ZAYNA
(clicking her pen)
Vlad, there are no puncture holes in your neck.
Paulina did not bite you, nor did she have sex with you.
This is all in your fantasy...
Once you know that, accept that, and believe that to be true... then and only then will you open your eyes to the reality of your condition.
(long pause)
Alright, we’re at time.
Scene end with Vlad looking up at the ceiling and twiddling his thumbs.
45INT. DENTIST OFFICE THE FOLLOWING DAY - MORNING
Dr. Mimslyn walks into the room as Vlad is being prepped by the dental assistant for his ongoing gum disease treatments. His sunglasses now look bigger and darker than before.
DR. MIMSLYN
Hello Marcellus.
VLAD
Hi.
(talking slow)
My mouth just keeps hurting more and more.
Is there something you can give me for the pain?
DR. MIMSLYN
Marcellus, I told you last time that your insurance only pays for the shots we give you while you’re in the office.
I’ll be more than glad to provide you pain killers... but you’ll be paying for that out of pocket!
VLAD
I was just hoping you had a sample pack I could take with me.
DR. MIMSLYN
Long gone are the days of giving out narcotics like smiley stickers.
The dental assistant hands Dr. Mimslyn the syringe for Vlad’s gums.
DR. MIMSLYN
(looking closer at Vlad)
You hardly have any tissue left on the back of your teeth, and now your gums in the front are peeling away.
(looking more thoroughly)
Twenty one and twenty three...
(assistant makes a note)
And... number twelve... all loose.
Vlad doesn’t respond, so Dr. Mimslyn pulls up a small stool and sits down to further get his point across.
DR. MIMSLYN
Vlad, it’s now or never.
If you trust me, I can make this work for you.
I can give you what you want...
VLAD
(mind playing tricks)
You can give me what I want?
DR. MIMSLYN
If we get started right away, yes.
We stay beside and behind Vlad during this conversation. His line of sight, his hands, the ceiling tiles, the tray of instruments, we only see what he sees.
DR. MIMSLYN
If you’re in agreement to move forward, we’ll do the x-rays today, we’ll do the preliminary skin grafting tomorrow, and perform the procedure first thing Friday morning.
While it might seem like Vlad is avoiding eye contact with Dr. Mimslyn on purpose, he’s really just fixated with the photo on the wall of Dr. Mimslyn and the vampire actor.
DR. MIMSLYN
(grabs Vlad’s attention)
Are we in agreement?
VLAD
Yeah, yeah, of course.
The assistant steps in between the tray and lighting to prep Vlad for x-rays. Vlad's focus drops down to her red shoes.
46INT. MENTAL HEALTH OFFICE THE NEXT DAY - MORNING
Same clinical office layout and scenario, but the view is such that we can’t see the results of his dental procedure from the previous day.
ZAYNA
Vlad, do you know what insanity is?
VLAD
Doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results.
ZAYNA
That’s one definition.
(sip of tea)
Insanity is knowing the difference between reality and fantasy, and choosing fantasy.
VLAD
I’ve made my decision.
ZAYNA
Fangs... really?
(look of absurdity)
Vlad, this is not a joke!
Everything in your life is going to change, the way people look at you is going to dramatically change!
We need to deal with that!
Zayna stands up and walks around with her hands on her hips trying to control her own frustration.
ZAYNA
(shaking her head)
Vlad, I want to talk about something different for second...
Is that all right?
VLAD
Sure...
ZAYNA
(long pause)
Do you find that the name, FAKKU is a little odd?
VLAD
(thinking)
No... I mean... Japanese words sometimes sound funny.
ZAYNA
That’s just it... it’s not a Japanese word.
VLAD
It’s an acronym.
ZAYNA
What does it stand for?
VLAD
Full Access Kubernetes Konfiguration Utility.
ZAYNA
Configuration is spelled with a C.
VLAD
Not the way they spell it.
ZAYNA
Have you ever met any of these Japanese partners?
VLAD
No.
ZAYNA
(clicking her pen)
Vlad, you’re not a vampire.
Your boss isn’t a vampire.
There’s no such thing as vampires.
(slight pause)
Once you know that, accept that, and believe that to be true... then and only then will you open your eyes to the reality of your condition.
(long pause)
Alright, we’re at time.
Scene ends with Vlad, again, staring at the ceiling, looking into the abyss, and twiddling his thumbs.
47INT. FAKKU CLOUD SERVICES AN HOUR LATER - MORNING
Gavin, Frankie, and Vlad are in line for coffee.
GAVIN
(shocked)
What?
VLAD
Yes.
FRANKIE
You mean like, Dracula fangs?
VLAD
Yes!
GAVIN
Dude, I can’t tell if you’re joking right now.
VLAD
I’m not!
I’m getting it done this Friday.
And when I come to work on Monday, I’m gonna have fangs.
GAVIN
Vlad, you gotta know that this is going to cause a serious disruption in the office.
VLAD
And that’s exactly why I need you to get ahead of it.
GAVIN
Get ahead of it, how?
VLAD
Aside from Paulina, you’re the only other person in our company that can send out an all-hands memo.
GAVIN
(beside himself)
And say what?
VLAD
Just let everyone know that I’m going in for the procedure. That way, come Monday, everyone will have had a chance to chat and gossip about it over the weekend.
(stirring his coffee)
It’ll lessen the impact.
FRANKIE
(laughing)
Nothing is going to lessen the impact when the employees see Count Dracula walking around the office.
(slight pause)
Also... and this is a BIG also...
Paulina is going to freak... the fuck... out!
GAVIN
For once, Frankie’s right.
(paying the register lady)
Vlad, seriously, you’re not really going through with this, are you?
VLAD
100%
(grabbing more creamer)
Sending out the memo will minimize blowback, and it will give HR a chance to get ahead of it.
(thinking further)
I’ll deal with Paulina, you just get the memo out.
Scene ends with Vlad grabbing a handful of the tiny creamer cups, and knocking over the sugar container at the same time. Mind you, he’s wearing ridiculously large, dark sunglasses indoors at this point.
48EXT. DONNA'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
Same scenario as Vlad walks her up to her apartment door and they talk about their issues. Donna is once again wearing dingy overalls, almost like union worker clothes.
DONNA
So tomorrow’s the big day, huh?
VLAD
Yeah, not gonna lie, I’m a little nervous.
DONNA
Oh, I’m sure you’ll be fine... you’re tough.
(slight pause)
If it’s any consolation, I’m supposed to get my car back tomorrow.
VLAD
That’s great news...
And you got the money to pay for it?
DONNA
Just about.
VLAD
(thinking)
If I’m telling the truth, I kind of enjoy giving you a ride home.
DONNA
Even the graveyard shift nights?
VLAD
(laughing)
Yes, even the graveyard shift nights!
DONNA
Yeah, we’ve had some great conversations... for sure.
(opening her door)
Thanks again for the ride...
Give me a call tomorrow so I know you’re ok.
VLAD
For sure...
Good night.
Scene ends with a shot of Vlad walking back to his car.
49INT. DENTIST OFFICE ON FRIDAY - MORNING
Vlad is lying back in the dental chair with Dr. Mimslyn and his assistant hovering over top of him.
DR. MIMSLYN
Alright... moment of truth.
Dr. Mimslyn’s assistant wheels over the tray of dental utensils.
DR. MIMSLYN
While you won’t be completely unconscious, you will be under local anesthesia, and we’ll do everything we can to make you nice and comfortable.
The assistant lowers the nitrous oxide cup and places it over Vlad’s nose.
DR. MIMSLYN
Just try to sit back and relax, we’re gonna be here a while.
50INT. FAKKU CLOUD SERVICES THAT SAME DAY - AFTERNOON
Gavin watches carefully as Paulina packs up her things and leaves the office for the weekend. With the memo already typed up, he goes back into his office and very reluctantly hits send.
GAVIN
And... here we go!
As soon as Gavin confirms that the memo went out, he too grabs his stuff and leaves the office. Moments later, the first Random employee opens the memo regarding Vlad’s dental procedure.
RANDOM EMPLOYEE
What the hell?
This random employee slides his chair back so that he can talk to the person in the cubicle behind him. By then, the commotion has already begun. Tammy Cardinal storms out of her office, presumably on her way to Gavin’s office, who has already booked out using the fire escape stairs. At the same time, Paulina gets the alert on her phone while driving home and damn near gets into a car accident. We see her pull a u-turn with the tires squealing. The focus continues to follow Paulina’s car as she drives recklessly over to Vlad’s apartment complex.
51EXT. VLAD'S APARTMENT - AFTERNOON
VLAD
(hearing banging)
Who is it?
The second Vlad opens the door, Paulina barges in. She angrily pushes him back with her hand on his chest.
PAULINA
(yelling)
Open your mouth!
She pulls her hand away from Vlad’s chest and grabs his chin.
PAULINA
(still yelling)
OPEN!
Vlad opens his mouth, but from our perspective, we only see the back of his head. Paulina’s anger turns to sympathy.
PAULINA
Why did you do that?
Your teeth were perfect!
VLAD
People in our office have tattoos, nose rings, burqas on their heads...
PAULINA
I’m sorry, but that is not the same.
(long pause)
Do you understand the ramifications of this?
(awaiting Vlad to respond)
Come Monday morning, I’m firing Gavin.
And then I’m gonna have to spend hours on a conference call with Japanese leadership, trying to explain why I fired him.
(still no response)
Do you have any idea how awkward that is going to be for me?
Vlad still doesn’t respond, so Paulina moves in closer to his face.
PAULINA
How are you ever gonna excel at life... looking the way you do.
(pointing to his mouth)
That... that right there... that’s the definition of insanity.
Vlad lowers his eyebrows; Paulina’s words sound very familiar.
VLAD
Actually, there are two other definitions of insanity... according to my therapist.
PAULINA
Yeah well, you’re way out of control, so just assume all three definitions probably apply to you!
Paulina looks deep into Vlad’s dark sunglasses and pushes his chin to the side and looks at the large Band-Aid on his neck.
PAULINA
I was on my way to the beach when I received that memo...
You really threw a wrench in my plans.
Paulina once again rips the Band-Aid off of his neck and when she opens her mouth, her fangs are in full effect. As she bites into Vlad’s jugular vein, he takes a deep breath and raises his eyebrows. Beside him, there is a mirror on the wall. He initially sees his image, and opens his mouth to prove to himself that his incisors are as long and as sharp as Paulina’s. But as her vampire poison circulates throughout his body, the image of himself in the mirror begins to fade until there’s no image at all.
52INT. DONNA'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
Donna is in her bed with the sheets pulled up. The TV is on, and based on the eerie background sounds, it appears she might be watching some kind of scary movie. Though we can’t see the TV clearly, the look on her face, eyes bugging out, suggests that it’s in the middle of a climactic scene. It takes her a few seconds to compose herself. Following closely thereafter, we see Vlad popping his head out from underneath the covers. And by covers, I mean out from between her legs.
DONNA
(breathy)
Oh man, that was intense!
He smiles at her with his vampire fangs.
DONNA
(giggly)
I can’t believe you just went down on me like that!
VLAD
Felt good, right?
DONNA
(head tilted)
A little weird...
(smiling)
But... you definitely got the job done!
Vlad opens his mouth real wide and descends upon her neck.
DONNA
Don’t you even think about it!
(touching his fangs)
Those things are sharp!
Vlad continues towards her neck with a silly expression on his face.
DONNA
I’m serious!
You leave a mark on me... I swear to God!
Vlad gets even closer to her neck.
DONNA
(serious)
Marcellus... stop.
Vlad stops and backs away from her neck.
VLAD
(looking at her face)
I can’t get over how sweet and loving you are. And you’re incredibly feminine in the bedroom.
DONNA
Why are you surprised by that?
VLAD
I don’t know... you give off that vibe where you just want to be one of the guys.
You wear those overalls, or coveralls, or whatever they are... not exactly flattering.
Donna gets out of bed. We see her walking away fully nude from behind. Her body is downright impressive compared to how she looks in her dingy work duds.
DONNA
(from the bathroom)
As you very well know, I’m surrounded by dudes at work.
I gotta be tough to survive in that environment.
(slight pause)
Don’t think I don’t know what you guys say about me behind my back!
VLAD
I’ve never said anything about you behind your back!
Donna exits the bathroom wearing a long tee shirt with a Fight Club movie logo on the front. She crawls back into bed and puts her arm around Vlad.
DONNA
At some point you’ll have to tell the boys about me. Unless of course you’re trying to keep this a secret.
VLAD
This is all new, but... I’m not trying to hide anything.
Vlad smiles at Donna, kisses her on the lips, and then reaches over to hit the light switch on the lamp. From behind, we see him pull what appears to be fake plastic fangs from his mouth and place them on the end table. And by fake, I mean the kind you could buy at a costume store for a dollar.
53INT. KICKBOXING CLASS ON THURSDAY - EVENING
Typical scenario with Vlad on the side of the mat when Gavin walks in.
VLAD
Hey...
Sorry about work... your job.
GAVIN
Don’t worry about it. I got another job lined up.
Gavin looks at Vlad’s mouth.
GAVIN
That’s the biggest mouthpiece I’ve ever seen... you actually got fangs in there?
View is from the back of Vlad’s head as he pulls the mouthpiece out for a second.
GAVIN
Holy shit!
Wow... ok...
VLAD
I had to have this mouthpiece custom made.
Plus, I’m sparring with El-Forma-Doblay tonight.
Need all the protection I can get!
GAVIN
(curious)
Seems like you two have been sparing a lot lately...
Something going on there, hmm?
VLAD
(shaking his head)
No...
GAVIN
(suspicious)
Ok, but... people be talking!
VLAD
The only people talking is you!
Scene ends with Vlad stepping towards the middle of the mat and El-Forma-Doblay, all suited up with headgear, banging her gloves together.
54INT. FAKKU CLOUD SERVICES - MORNING
Vlad rushes into Paulina’s office.
PAULINA
What’s going on?
VLAD
I’m trying to get in touch with Frankie!
I got a truck full of servers at the data center; the technicians don’t know what to do with it!
PAULINA
(nonchalant)
Frankie doesn’t work here anymore.
VLAD
What?
(stunned)
So what am I supposed to do with all of these servers?
PAULINA
(looking at her monitor)
It’s not rocket science...
Ask one of the engineers to pull a port map and email it to the techs.
(now looking at Vlad)
Didn’t I say something to you before about wearing those stupid sunglasses in the office?
And why is it that you still have that Band-Aid on your neck?
Vlad doesn’t respond. Paulina notices something about Vlad, so she gets up from her chair and walks around to his side of her desk.
PAULINA
Open your mouth!
Paulina pulls down on his bottom lip.
PAULINA
Your gums are bleeding.
(sarcastic)
Either that, or you bit someone!
Vlad doesn’t respond.
PAULINA
(looking at his gums)
Get that port map over to the techs, and then go see your doctor, or dentist, or whoever it is, and get that checked out.
Scene ends as Paulina retreats back to her side of the desk. Vlad looks down at her bright red suede boots.
55INT. DENTIST OFFICE A FEW HOURS LATER - NOON
Vlad is already leaning back in the chair with Dr. Mimslyn over top of him.
DR. MIMSLYN
Actually, this is looking pretty good.
We don’t see Vlad’s face on account of the dental assistant being in the way.
DR. MIMSLYN
We still have to finish up skin graft on the back of your lower gums, but that’s it!
And your insurance covers that... so you should be good.
VLAD
(hand on his head)
You have no idea how relieved I am to hear that.
(slight pause)
Best decision I ever made!
Scene ends with the assistant raising the dental chair. Vlad once again locks eyes with her red shoes.
56INT. VLAD'S APARTMENT, LATER THAT EVENING - NIGHT
Vlad opens his door and lets Paulina in.
PAULINA
So what did your dentist say?
VLAD
He said it’s fine.
One more small procedure, and then I’m good.
Paulina pulls his lower lip down and then turns his head to the side.
PAULINA
You’ve been wearing that Band-Aid for like a month!
Without warning, she rips the Band-Aid off. Vlad tries to cover up, but she pulls his hand away.
PAULINA
There’s nothing there!
Vlad again puts his hand over his neck, so Paulina grabs him by the back of his shirt and marches him into the bathroom for a closer look.
PAULINA
(swatting his hand away)
Look!
VLAD
(looking in the mirror)
I can’t see anything.
PAULINA
Exactly!
Because there’s nothing there.
Paulina doesn’t realize that Vlad is unable to see himself in the mirror. She walks away, grabbing her car keys and heading for the door.
PAULINA
(looking back at Vlad)
Vlad, I care about you...
It’s time to stop this lunacy!
Scene ends as Paulina closes the door behind her.
57INT. MENTAL HEALTH OFFICE, LATER THAT WEEK - DAY
ZAYNA
I thought vampires were immortal, and that they don’t get sick...
Yet you have some rare gum disease.
(awaiting a response)
Also, you demand that I pull the shades down over the windows before your appointment, and then you leave here and walk out to your car in broad daylight.
(slight pause)
Do you ever sleep?
(awaiting Vlad to respond)
Is there a coffin in your apartment?
(frustrated)
Vlad, you need to snap out of this.
There’s an entire world out there waiting for you, encouraging you, challenging you to experience real life.
There’s a long pause as Zayna jots down notes in her day planner. Vlad is lying back in the therapy chair, fingers intertwined around the back of his head, completely content.
ZAYNA
So what now?
(sarcastic)
What’s next for Vlad Stone... the vampire?
VLAD
Well, I found a dating app for people with afflictions.
ZAYNA
(lowered eyebrows)
Afflictions?
So now you consider your situation an affliction?
VLAD
Well, I personally think it’s perfection, but it doesn’t go over well on normal dating sites.
ZAYNA
Do you have any dates lined up yet?
VLAD
(excited)
Yeah, as a matter of fact, I have one lined up for tonight.
ZAYNA
Umm...
Dare I ask what kind of affliction she has? Assuming of course that you are going on a date with a woman.
VLAD
(excited to respond)
That’s just it, she doesn’t have one!
It’s an app for normal women who want to go out on a date with men who look... a little different.
ZAYNA
(shaking her head)
Oh, for the love of God...
(sip of tea)
If ever there was a setback in your recovery... this is definitely it.
(slight pause)
Alright, we’re almost at time.
(clicking her pen)
There’s no such app.
You’re not going on a date.
You’re not a vampire.
(slight delay)
Once you know that, accept that, and believe that to be true... then and only then will you open your eyes to the reality of your condition.
Scene ends with Vlad springing to his feet, exiting Zayna’s office, happy as a clam.
58INT. JACKSON’S, MIGHTY FINE FOOD RESTAURANT - NIGHT
This is date number one for Vlad. He and his surprising super attractive date are sitting at a table for two near a window. Drinks and food have already been served.
DATE NUMBER ONE
Wow, this is really good!
VLAD
I find that the food here is consistent, and that the wait staff is always on point.
And it has a nice vibe with the whole outside bar atmosphere.
DATE NUMBER ONE
Most definitely!
VLAD
(changing the subject)
Look, I realize we’re here on a date with respect to the dating app, but I’m hoping this gravitates into you knowing me for who I am, and not specifically because I’m... well... physically unique.
DATE NUMBER ONE
First of all, let me set your mind at ease. I’m here because you’re open and honest, and not trying to be someone that you’re not!
(slight pause)
Your whole look and attitude... it’s kind of hot!
You can do things that other guys can’t... if you know what I mean.
Fast forward to Vlad’s apartment. He and his date crash through the door, mad-passionate kissing that follows all the way into the bedroom. Half under the covers, clothes flying off, Vlad is on top kissing her mouth and face. She turns her head to the side, not realizing that Vlad can’t resist. As such, he descends upon her neck.
DATE NUMBER ONE
(startled)
Stop... STOP!
What the hell are you doing, that hurts!
(pushing Vlad off of her)
What are you... a fucking vampire!
(gathering her clothes)
Everything was going so good...
You had to go and ruin it!
Scene ends with Date Number One looking at herself in the bathroom mirror; nothing more than a little redness on the side of her neck.
59INT. COOPER’S HAWK WINE AND RESTAURANT - NIGHT
This is date number two for Vlad. He and his surprising super attractive date are sitting at a table for two near a window. Drinks and food have already been served.
DATE NUMBER TWO
Wow, this is really good!
VLAD
I find that the food here is consistent, and that the wait staff is always on point.
And it has a nice vibe with the whole wine tasting atmosphere.
DATE NUMBER TWO
Most definitely!
VLAD
(changing the subject)
Look, I realize we’re here on a date with respect to the dating app, but I’m hoping this gravitates into you knowing me for who I am, and not specifically because I’m... well... physically unique.
DATE NUMBER TWO
First of all, let me set your mind at ease...
Fast forward to Vlad’s apartment. Same scenario. He and his date crash through the door, and into his bedroom. At the point of intercourse, he tries to bite her neck.
DATE NUMBER TWO
(romance comes to a halt)
Whoa-whoa-whoa, what are you doing?
(getting out of bed)
Trying to give me a hickey or something?
(gathering her clothes)
Dude, that was not cool... not cool at all!
Scene ends with Date Number Two slamming the apartment door as she walks out.
60INT. SPANKY’S DIVE BAR AND GRILL - NIGHT
This is date number three for Vlad. He and his surprising super attractive date are sitting at a table for two near a window. Drinks and food have already been served.
DATE NUMBER THREE
Wow, this is really good!
VLAD
I find that the food here is consistent, and that the wait staff is always on point.
And it has a nice vibe with the whole redneck atmosphere.
DATE NUMBER THREE
Most definitely!
VLAD
(changing the subject)
Look, I realize...
Fast forward to Vlad’s apartment. Same scenario. He and his date crash through the door, and into his bedroom. At the point of intercourse, he tries to bite her neck, just like the other dates.
DATE NUMBER THREE
(immediately freaks out)
Oh no you didn’t just try to bite my neck!
(flying out of the bed)
Fucking weirdo!
Scene ends with Date Number Three slamming the apartment door as she walks out.
61EXT. PAULINA'S HOUSE THE FOLLOWING DAY - NIGHT
Vlad is standing on the porch with his head hanging low when Paulina opens the front door.
VLAD
(sad sap)
I’ve got nowhere else to go...
PAULINA
Jesus Christ!
(hesitant)
Alright... come on in.
Paulina leads Vlad into the living room where he takes a seat in one of the recliners. Paulina disappears for a moment and returns with two glasses of wine.
PAULINA
(handing Vlad a glass)
Here.
VLAD
You know I don’t drink.
PAULINA
Today you are!
(forcing Vlad to grab it)
Every other thing in your life has gone to shit, you might actually enjoy this.
Paulina takes a seat on the couch opposite of Vlad.
PAULINA
Vlad, help me understand something...
You were driving a forklift for an alcohol distribution center until they fired you for stealing. Only later to find out that nothing was actually stolen. They offered you your job back, so why didn’t you go back?
VLAD
Because after I was proven innocent, to save face, they conveniently wrote me up for a forklift violation.
PAULINA
But you did in fact back the forklift into a security camera, no?
VLAD
Yeah, but that wasn’t my fault!
PAULINA
Alright, so what!
Honest mistake, big deal!
VLAD
(defensive)
It’s not an honest mistake!
It was an inventory mistake!
Instead of taking ownership, they blamed it on the lowly forklift operator!
PAULINA
(raising her voice)
Fine, it was an inventory mistake... who gives a fuck?
(slight pause)
What I want to know is...
How do you jump from that to thinking you’re a Hollywood screenwriter?
VLAD
(sip of wine)
I never told you anything about my writing aspirations...
PAULINA
With zero education, what made you think that you could successfully write anything?
VLAD
Because I’ve been writing my entire life. And the more you do something, the better and smarter you get at it.
PAULINA
(grabbing a nearby pen)
Fine, write me something!
I’ll go get some scratch paper right now, and let’s see you write something!
Seeing that Vlad won’t accept the challenge, she continues to pile on.
PAULINA
Remind me again... what was your screenplay about?
Oh yeah, that’s right... it was about a woman whose ass was so magnanimous that it brought every man in the city to his knees!
(laughing)
magnanimous...
Sounds like maybe you’re talking about that short-ugly chick in your kickboxing class. I’ll bet you she’s got a nice ass!
Still nothing from Vlad.
PAULINA
No education, and not a single written accomplishment, and now all of a sudden you want to jump feet first into a screenwriter’s evaluation.
(another sip of wine)
Notice how I said now, and not then...
(slight pause)
That’s because you’re projecting what you want to do, not anything you’ve done!
And you’re giving yourself a low score to help you preemptively deal with the disappointment!
You’d be lucky to get a two out of ten for anything you do, or anything you’re ever going to do!
(slight pause)
Depression... fake alcoholism... identity crises... delusions of vampires...
All because of a gum disease that you could have easily addressed months ago!
Paulina stands up, walks over to Vlad and takes the half full wine glass out of his hand.
PAULINA
If you were a real alcoholic, you would have downed the entire glass by now.
Paulina sets his wine glass on the end table and shows Vlad the ballpoint pen again.
PAULINA
Look and listen!
(clicking the pen)
You’re not an alcoholic.
You made that up to free your mind from this idea that you can’t operate a forklift correctly.
(slight pause)
And you were never fired!
They gave you leave... with pay! After their investigation, not only were you cleared, they offered you first shift.
But no, you wouldn’t take it.
And why? Because your bulldog girlfriend, who you think nobody knows about, works the graveyard shift. And she’s expecting you to give her a ride home every night until she gets her car fixed.
(slight pause)
And while she’s not the best looking thing in the world, she’s the best that you’re gonna get!
Paulina reaches down to a button on the side of the recliner and slowly eases the seat back. From there, she twirls her hair into a bun and hovers overtop of Vlad.
PAULINA
This is it... last time!
No help for you after this!
Paulina pushes Vlad’s chin to the side and opens her mouth as wide as it can go. We see her fangs start to elongate. And just as they penetrate his jugular vein, Vlad’s life from the last three months starts to flash before him. The first thing we see is that Gavin, Frankie, and Jacob are coworkers at the alcohol distribution center. We also see Tammy in that same setting, working on the assembly line where the bottles are capped. Rebekah is merely the woman on the front cover of the Sports Illustrated magazine in the mental health waiting room. One by one, the rest of it folds back into that same stack of magazines. The data center becomes the Popular Science article. Gavin and Frankie’s offshore boat becomes the cover of the fishing magazine. The fairway at Brambleton becomes Golf Digest. In fact, the only accurate people from Vlad’s life are Zayna, Dr. Mimslyn, and Donna; AKA El-Forma-Doblay, who also works at the alcohol distribution center.
PAULINA
(fangs disengaged)
Once you know that, accept that, and believe that to be true... then and only then will you open your eyes to the reality of your condition.
When Vlad opens his eyes, he finds himself lying back in the mental health therapy chair in Zayna’s office. Discombobulated, he turns his head, and for the first time we actually see Zayna’s face, which looks a whole lot like Paulina!
ZAYNA
How do you feel?
It takes Vlad a second or two to get his bearings.
VLAD
I feel... Ok... pretty good, I guess.
ZAYNA
You were out for a while this time...
I think we might have had a breakthrough!
VLAD
(very content)
Umm... yeah... things seem much clearer... for sure!
Zayna signs a piece of paper at her desk and then walks over to Vlad with it.
ZAYNA
Absentee note... just in case you need one.
VLAD
(rubbing his forehead)
62INT. ALCOHOL DISTRIBUTION CENTER, WEEKS LATER - DUSK
Vlad’s on the forklift when his manager waves him down. We hear the end-of-shift bell ringing in the distance with some of the lights turning off.
MANAGER
Yo, Marcellus!
Stack that last pallet and let’s call it a night!
We see Vlad sliding the forks of the forklift under the last pallet. On the warehouse floor, we see workers making their way to the exit.
GAVIN
(excited, arms in the air)
Marcellus, come on!
We’re going to the bar!
Vlad lifts the pallet to stocking height and sets it in place with precision. Gavin gives him two thumbs up. In the background, we see a line of people trying to punch their timecards for the day. There’s a tall gangly man whose timecard seems to be stuck. There’s a short stocky woman behind him humorously poking at his backside.
DONNA
(giggling)
Dude, you’re holding up the whole line!
FRANKIE
Yeah, that’s because you keep jabbing me in my kidney!
Donna and Frankie step away from the line to engage in playful shadow boxing. She yells back at Vlad at the same time.
DONNA
Marcellus... come on!
(still shadow boxing)
We’re gonna miss happy hour!
Vlad shuts down the forklift and waves to Donna. His smile is that of a man content, unburdened, and possibly in love. And just maybe Donna finds it charming that his smile has absolutely no teeth.
This movie script comes to end as Marcellus catches up to his coworkers and everyone exits the warehouse. The view pans back to where the pallets are stacked, and just behind the forklift we see a broken camera mount. The camera bracket itself is bent to one side, and the camera is tilted in a questionable fashion.
The End
